Page 51 of The Lucky Heart (Jamison Valley 3)
“Your parents had to bury you. How could you be so goddamn selfish?”
I ran out of rocks.
“Did you blame me for this? Did you hate me all these years?”
“He never hated you, Lis.” I jumped at Silas’s deep voice. He stood behind me with his hands tucked into his jeans pockets.
It took me a moment to get over the shock of seeing him, but once I did, I started swiping my cheeks to dry my face. “He should have hated me. It was my fault he even started using meth in the first place.”
“How do you figure that?”
“It was my idea,” I confessed, sniffling. “That first night he did meth? It was for me. I told him I wanted to try getting high and he wouldn’t let me. He said he would do it first to make sure it was safe but then he couldn’t stop.”
Ouch. I rubbed my hand against my sternum. I had buried that burden deep, carrying it alone for so long, that setting it free physically hurt. The tears returned and I furiously wiped my eyes, but there were too many to stop.
When Silas’s strong arms folded around me, I didn’t resist as he pulled me into his chest. “It wasn’t your fault, Lis.”
“Of course it was. Wes hated drugs. He told me all the time. But you know how addicting meth is. Once he started, he couldn’t stop.”
His arms squeezed me tighter. “I’m not sure how to tell you this.”
“Tell me what?”
Silas let me go and bent down to pick up his own rock, chucking it out into the open field.
“Tell me what?” I repeated, knowing whatever was coming would be bad news because he wouldn’t look at me.
“Wes started doing meth his senior year, Lis. Not yours. He started using two years before that party.”
My whole body jerked. “What?”
“I didn’t know it at the time, but after I got home from the army, Wes and I met up for a beer. It had been so long, I thought all that shit was behind us. It wasn’t. Long story short, we got into an argument when I found
out he was still using. I told him to get some help and he said he didn’t need it. He said he’d been doing drugs since his senior year and was just fine.”
“No. No! That can’t be.” My hands balled into fists so tight my fingernails bit into my palms. “How is that possible? I would have known, Silas. I would have seen the signs. I would have helped him.”
He shook his head. “Wes didn’t want help. He was the master at hiding his habit.”
“So, you’re saying that Wes was doing drugs for over half of our relationship and lying to me?”
Silas nodded.
“And the first time he did meth, it wasn’t my fault at all?”
“No. It wasn’t your fault.”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe this.”
“Think back. Did you really have to try hard to convince him to use?”
No. Wes hadn’t put up much of a fight at all.
A wave of dizziness washed over me. Silas jumped forward to grab my elbow as I swayed. Though I found my feet again, my head was still spinning.
How many years had I felt guilty? How many times had I regretted that night? How many tears had I cried over Wes? I’d spent sixteen years regretting that party. And now? Poof. All that time. All that worry. Wasted.
“I can’t believe this. He lied to me,” I whispered. That hurt the worst. More than all the unnecessary guilt, the fact that Wes had lied was the most painful part to hear. I trusted so few people, especially men. But I had trusted Wes.
