Page 100 of Storm
“Nothing important.” I muttered nonchalantly.
Because what could I tell him? When I hadn’t figured it out myself.
His soft concern and questioning eyes felt like a lot of pressure. I needed space to breath, to think, to decide.
Hence, before Aariz could force me, I gave a cursory glance at my watch and mumbled, walking down backwards,
“It’s time for the lecture. I'm going to class. Bye.” And without giving him a chance to speak further and trance me more, I turned around and rushed downstairs.
“Wait, it’s my lecture only. Relax. Hey, listen. Saa...ni.” I heard his loving sigh from behind me but did not stop.
Even after getting away from Aariz, I couldn’t concentrate one bit on the lectures. It was as if a storm of emotions had made my thoughts conflicted. Aariz tried to catch my eyes many times in the class, his purposeful brush of fingers had me in goose bumps like always, but still I couldn’t do more than pass a slight smile his way. My head was full and I wanted to cry myself into a ball and throw myself at him all at the same time. I had never been more confused in my life.
Fear of losing him was growing inside me with every passing moment. Or was it the fear of missing his touch, his smiles, his winks, his smouldering meaningful looks...or simply missing him? Because somewhere, I already knew why I was confused and what was I going to conclude when I got a minute to breath and process all of this. I knew, and that’s why it hurt.
I ignored Aariz's voice asking me under his breath to wait after class, when students shuffled out. And when he texted saying he’ll be dropping me home, although it wasn’t a question, still I lied saying, I have some errand to run.
I went home, straight to my bedroom. Then instead of crying like there is no tomorrow, I tried to think this through. My mistake was that I did not think before getting involved, before confessing my feelings to Aariz.
But how could I had possibly done that? I was already deep down to my heart in him even before I had realized my feelings or told him about them. It was never a question, if I was into Aariz; he had gotten under my skin, inside my heart very cheekily from day one. His absence, his pain, the thoughts and worries about him being sick when I couldn’t find him in college, unable to hear a word against him, constant guilt and worry about hurting him were feelings and emotions, I couldn’t let go off. It had swiftly become clear to me, that it was all due to the unending affection in my heart for him.
I had preferred to think Aariz did not like me back. Because it did not make sense for a handsome guy like him, who seemed to have everything he needed in life. He could have had any girl he wanted. Far more prettier than me, more mature, probably a working woman of his age group, whom he could have introduced to his family and friends without having to face the judgement of her being immature, having done nothing in her life yet, and way younger than him, a student of his! I had no time to come to this realization that time, because I was too far-gone in his allure. On the other hand, maybe even if I had this inkling in the back of my mind, I had brushed it off. Because I was too selfish and helpless in front of what my heart wanted.
Aariz was showering me with his care and attention. He was treating me like glass. He was warming me like a burning flame in cold air, and I was taking it with both hands, bec
ause I cared for him, more than he could ever imagine. I felt shy or maybe since I had always been private with the matters of feelings, that’s why I never told him in big words like he did, that how much I care, how deeply my heart and life would be at stake if it came to losing him. My feelings for Aariz went deep and tremendous.
But Rose and Mirelle’s words, were a rude awakening from the fairytale I had been living in. It forced me to think. To ask myself, why wouldn’t they be drooling over Aariz when you had done the same and probably so many others before you?
Did Aariz love any of them? I don’t know. Maybe he did. It might have even been real and deep enough for him to remember about it now. I don't know. I knew nothing. And even if I left it all to fate and time to find out like they say in novels, still I had no idea who he actually was. Other then the fact of him being Zee's friend who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, I know absolutely nothing about him. Zee had hundreds of friends. How could Aariz be any special or they being friends certify him all good and non-creepy? What would I tell my parents?! Because, well, I’d have to tell them something!
I had never believed in love before. Never dated randomly. Never been more than good friends with a guy because no one had caught my eye before. Nobody made me feel this way before, and my parents knew this. So how would I word it to them that, ‘I'm head over heels, heart over mind about this guy...’ Such deep feelings, which I had always boasted in front of them to never, had believed in.
And that too, with not just any guy, but with my goddamned college Professor, which was against the rules of college and a civil society. Though it might be pure for me, it sounded all wrong and dirty, any which way I decorated my words. My parents would consider me a stain. They would think of me, what they always call such boys and girls, 'lost track'. Grandpa would never trust me again. I won't be his pride and perfect child anymore. Dad would take me out of the college, if college authorities didn’t throw me out before he does. My life would be over in more ways than one. Because nor will I just lose everything else that wouldn’t even matter after a period of time, but I would lose Aariz forever, which mattered the most to my existence. Obviously, the world won't let me stay with him. Ever.
Most importantly, I don’t even know what I would be fighting and loosing this battle for? Because how do I know if Aariz considers this relationship of ours, as anything more than an adventurous hot fling. If he hasn’t been in any serious relationship till now after hitting thirty, how do I know he doesn’t just prefer playing the field rather than being committed to one girl? I couldn't even object to it, because that’s the trend these days. It’s what people do. But I don't.
Does not mean I want a forced love. I can't force him to be serious for me like I’m towards him. Can't make him see a future in a student teacher forbidden relationship, which has no future at all. In fact, anyone would take it as a fling and leave it before rules come into picture.
I knew all this. Yet, I couldn’t make myself to just be okay with letting Aariz and my heart go. I wanted heat, romance and a lifetime of it with Aariz, not just a month or so. Yeah, I was already on that level of desire. I needed Aariz like my next breath and him breaking up with me later, wouldn’t just suffocate me, but it’d kill me.
I didn't want Aariz to ever feel this was rushed and we don't match. I especially didn't want him to feel this way and regret in a matter of days when I’d be all into this relationship. That would be a hard blow and my heart would be more difficult to heal than it was now, when I could force it to believe I had saved myself from a much graver injury. That it was all going to be okay someday. Maybe I would be okay too.
I realized, I had to stop this dreamy rollercoaster of a relationship, before I’d lose everything in its wake- my heart, my parents trust. Sure, I would lose my reputation in college, become the laughing stock- The stupid student who fell for her Professor and dreamt of a happily ever after. Yes. But more severe and merciless would be the pain of losing the relationship which was the longest, oldest and much more important than Aariz's days old affection. That is, a different kind of love and friendship which I shared with Zee. He had always thought of me, as a mature and level-headed, non-starry eyed college girl, who did not crush on just any good-looking male within the eye-reach. Zee would be disappointed to know I had turned into a dirty college slut, screwing a Professor, his best friend. He would not just break ties with me; I would cost him his friend. Because surely, when things go south and shit hits the fan, it would tarnish his and Aariz's friendship he cherishes so much. All because of me.
I couldn’t be that much of a self-centred bitch. I couldn't. I needed to slap myself out of the happy dream. I had to get off the rollercoaster before it could make me fall headfast. How much ever it hurt, I couldn't be the girl who was a regret for the only one she ever liked that way. I refused to be that person. Call it being an only child drawback, or a carrier of huge ego and self-esteem, but I had never been regret, for anyone, and I was not going to start now. I just couldn’t.
That is why I ignored all of Aariz's phone calls and texts as I cried myself until tears came out. Cried until I couldn’t see clear and Mom had to believe I have caught some sort of flu and should not be off to college the next day. My phone stayed stuffed between the clothes inside my closet, because I wished to break it every time it buzzed with Aariz’s calls and text, which I fought myself from answering.
Aariz
Sani's words about her problems had me worried for her. And this surprised me tremendously, because I had never been so tensed for a person who was not my family. For the first time now I realized, it isn’t merely because we were in a relationship. She meant something special to me. So special, that couldn’t be explained in words.
During the whole lecture, I could feel Sani was in some deep thought. We made eye contacts a few times, I brushed her arm a couple of times on purpose while passing on the quiz papers. She slightly smiled at me now and then, but that was it.
In the evening while sitting in my bedroom, I tried to figure out the reason behind Sani's behaviour. But I couldn’t understand anything.
I texted her a few times but she did not reply. I tried calling her but it all went unanswered.
