Page 64 of The Guardian (Dark-Hunter 20)
No, he hadn't. The guilt of that tore at him every time he looked at her and saw how much she loved her father.
Nor had he forgotten his own list of ills against her. "You stabbed me. You bit me until I bled, and you invaded Noir's sanctum to free a god Noir wanted questioned. Had I not taken you prisoner when I did, he would have nailed you to the wall and eaten your entrails. Trust me, you would never have gotten Solin out of there in one piece. And you would still be there, begging for someone to kill you."
"Yeah, okay," she said angrily, "a little touche there, but-"
"There's no but. Yes ... I am pissed off that you're a jackal. I can't stand them. But that's not why I'm mad."
"Why, then?"
"You, who have done nothing but lecture me on trust, didn't trust me with the truth. You withheld it, and you purposefully hid it." Because she had thought of him as less than human.
Less than caring.
That was what stung him deepest of all.
He didn't deserve that. Not from her. Not after all he'd done to protect her. "I thought..."
No, he wouldn't say it. There was no need. Her actions told him everything he needed to know.
"Thought what?" she asked when he didn't finish.
"Nothing." Seth started away and then stopped as his anger mounted to a level so high, it blinded his vision. He wanted to lash out and sting her as deeply as she'd kicked him. "No, it is something."
He raked her with a sneer. "I thought you saw me. But you're just like everyone else. I'm nothing but an animal to you and that's all I'll ever be. Something to be feared or kicked or caged or put down."
But never kept.
Never trusted.
Never loved.
Seth winced at the bitter truth. "All of you think that I can't control myself. That I'm..." he caught himself before he said the one thing he thought of himself.
... my father. Incapable of feeling or caring.
His adoptive father had said that so many times. There's something not right with that one. You can never trust the gods or their by-blows. They're tricky, sneaky bastards. And they'd all mistrusted him when he'd given them no reason to.
Just like her.
Looking back, he wasn't surprised that he'd been sold at thirteen. He was only surprised now that they'd kept him that long.
But he'd expected better from Lydia. He didn't know why. Not when everyone else had kicked him.
Still, he'd hoped.
And yet again, he'd learned better.
She reached for him, but he wouldn't let her touch him and weaken his anger. Not this time. He needed it to keep from being hurt any worse. Anger might not be worth much, but at least it kept him warm when nothing else did. And it kept him safe, cocooned away from the world and from being around those who lied to him.
Tears glistened in her eyes. Something that kicked him in the groin with steel spikes. "I never treated you like an animal."
"Didn't you? In the beginning, did you not set out to tame me?"
She sputtered indignantly. "No, not exactly."
"No or not exactly? Which is it?"
"It's both." Her cheeks darkened as her temper kicked in to match his. "Okay? I'll admit that. I didn't know you then. And do you not own a mirror? Have you seen what you look like when you're painted up and standing nine thousand feet tall with this gigantic aura of I-hate-everything-around-me? You know, you're just not real approachable like that, buddy. That whole fuck-off-and-die attitude you've armor-plated yourself with tends to unnerve people. Excuse me for feeling the very thing you were striving to make me feel. You're a little too good at it. Maybe if you'd learn how to smile once in a while it might help. Certainly couldn't hurt. So yes, in the beginning, I did bite you and I was trying to win you over to my side. But then, I did see you. I did."
"And yet you still fear me, don't you?"
Lydia pressed her lips together as she debated how to answer. "What do you want me to say?"
"I want the truth."
"Fine then. Yes. There's still a part of me that's scared of you. I'll admit it. I've seen where you've lived and what's been done to you. Horrors like that take their toll. They have to. You can't walk through hell and not be scarred by it. And while I've seen the good in you, I've seen the worst. The worst does terrify me. So given all of that, I decided to listen to Jaden's advice and not tell you I'm a jackal. I didn't want you to lash out and hurt me for something I can't help."
But it was okay that she'd just done that to him.
Because she didn't see the man in front of her.
She only saw Noir's mindless slave. The animal Noir had made him. She didn't think enough of him to believe that he could have his own sense of right and wrong. That he could walk through hell, and while he was definitely scarred from it, he was still whole.
Still worth something.
Yes, there were times when the scars opened and he bled anew ... like now.
But he wasn't a monster. He didn't lash out at anyone without reason.
And he'd never once lashed out at her. She had no reason to doubt him.
Yet she did.
