Page 196 of Bend
"Because of what I did…with Cain. And don't you dare tell me that you're fine with it because I don't fucking believe that."
He grabbed me by the arm, pulling me roughly to my feet. I was standing within inches of him, and I could feel the heat of his anger envelope me.
"You love Maddox," he said, his words very distinct. "And you love me, too. You think I don't know that?"
"I know that you do, but it's different."
"Hell yeah, it's different," he growled. "I fucking love you, Paige, and yeah, it's different than the way that I love Maddox, but that doesn't make it inconsequential now, does it?"
His hands were locked around my wrists, forcing me to look at him.
"I don't understand," I replied, honestly.
"Baby," he sighed. "You are trying to compartmentalize this situation. It's not black and white; it's not right or wrong. It's not even fifty-fifty because everyone's different, just as everyone's needs are different."
He relaxed his grip on me a bit, and pulled me down next to him as he sat down on my bed.
"I knew from the time that I was in junior high school that I was attracted to both sexes, but it's not like you think—like most people think. I'm attracted to the individual first; the gender is secondary to that. People automatically assume that bisexuals are simply people who want both genders sexually and cannot be monogamous to either. That's just not true."
"So then why did Cain refer to you being a 'closet' bisexual? I mean, that suggests that you have an overall preference…to the male gender."
He nodded his head, and clasped his hands together under his chin, taking a moment.
"I'm not sure what all Maddox told you," he said, and I realized I probably shouldn't have blurted out what I had. "But the truth is that I fell in love with an exchange student from Sweden my senior year of high school. Her name was Greta. I'd prefer not going into the details with you right now, but suffice it to say, I was in love with her. She hurt me deeply, and after that, I made a conscious choice to focus on the male gender only for future relationships. It worked out well until I met…Darcy."
What?
"What?" I gasped. I felt my eyes widen in surprise.
He nodded, his eyes caressing my face and I could tell this just might be the first time that he'd shared this with anyone.
"It's true," he said, wistfully. "I didn't set out for that to happen, but I kinda fell in love with her. And, I mean, it was the hardest thing that I've ever had to control," he said with a laugh. "But, control it I did because the simple truth was that I had no faith in my ability to sustain a relationship with a female…after Greta, that is."
"But Eli," I said, taking his hand, "You mean that Darcy never knew?"
"That's right," he said, "Oh hell, I knew the morning after she'd first slept with Easton that she was gone. And that was fine because the beautiful thing was that I had met Maddox that same night. I knew that Darce would always be in my life, and I'm satisfied with that. Just like I know that Maddox will always be in my life. But you," he said solemnly, "You, I'm not sure of and I don't want to lose you because of my fear that I can't sustain a relationship with another female…after Greta."
I swallowed nervously. This was all new information for me. I never suspected that Eli had been drawn to me in that way…at all. I just knew that, at this moment in time, he had opened himself up to me in a way that even Cain had never done, and that made me love him so much differently.
"Oh my God," I breathed, turning to face him. "All of this time, I’ve loved you because I saw how much you loved Cain. So much, that you were willing to share him with me because of that love for him. And… you know, Cain tried to tell me that it was different than that, but I swear to God, Eli, you've never acted on…any sort of attraction towards me, I mean…"
He interrupted, pulling me closer to him on the bed. "Baby," he said softly. "It's because I see that chemistry going back and forth between you and Maddox…and, I guess I'm just not sure if there's enough of that same chemistry—in you—left over for me. Because I know that there's plenty in me left for you—if you want it, I mean."
And I think he might've just blushed right then, like a guy that was wearing his heart on his sleeve—just putting it right out there and so worried that it might not be enough.
But it was enough.
It was more than enough.
"Oh Eli," I sighed, "I can't believe you've told me all of this, but I am so fucking glad that you have."
Our eyes met and locked. In that moment, everything that Cain had assured me of since we'd given in to our feelings was coming true.
I leaned over and brushed my lips softly against his, waiting for him to snake his arms around me and pull me against him.
I didn't wait long until that was exactly what he did.
We kissed and it was unfamiliar, but it was sweet. And every second, it became sweeter. I felt myself warm to his touch; my belly tingled with anticipation of where he might touch me next and I wanted him to touch me in different places.
