Page 194 of Bend
I mean, Cain was fine. It was as if nothing had changed between him and Eli, but I couldn't say the same for me.
All kinds of fucked-up emotions were springing forth, ranging from guilt and shame, to a little bit of resentment when they headed off to their room that night…together, as in at the same time, which almost never happened.
I went to bed with my ear buds in, listening to a heavy metal station because I'd be damned if I was going to let myself get lulled to sleep by the sound of their headboard banging a tune against their wall. And that's when the resentment part really started seeping in, and I know that's fucked up, alright?
I busied myself at work, and then stayed late to work out each night at the gym so that I would miss dinner with my guys. It seemed that putting up with Darin's little comments and innuendos in the weight room was preferable to my feeling like some twisted bitch home-wrecker.
The truth was that Eli hadn't been anything but sweet to me since his return home. Yet something had changed and we both knew it.
I would lie alone in my bed every night and feel totally clueless as to how I was supposed to handle this. I ached for Cain, but I knew that I really had no right to feel that way, if that made sense.
It was Thursday and it was New Year's Eve to boot. Long holiday weekend.
Fucking lovely.
I was just finishing up with my filing when my cell rang. It was Cain.
"You gonna be home for dinner tonight or are you going to continue avoiding me?"
I took a moment to gather my thoughts because he was right. I no longer felt comfortable around him—or Eli for that matter. This was too difficult for me. I didn't possess the emotional armor to be able to pull something off like this. At all.
"I'm sorry," I squeaked out. "You're right—I have been avoiding you guys."
"Why?" he deadpanned, as if it weren't totally obvious.
"I don't care who's blessing we have, Cain. I can't do this. I just can't. I love Eli too much. There. I've said it."
"What the fuck? You think that Eli and I don't love you every bit as much?"
"First off, Cain, I don't think that you should be the one speaking for Eli, okay? And secondly—regardless of how we all love one another, I can't share. Period. I'm going to find another place to live."
"The hell you are," he growled at me. "You're not going anywhere, Paige. You need to face the facts right here."
"Oh no," I said, tossing some downright haughtiness into my voice. I swiveled around in my desk chair so I faced the wall, hoping my voice didn't carry.
"You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot do. It's clear to me that you've not gone without fucking…someone since Eli came home. And how fucking pathetic is it that I even just said that to you? Jesus Christ, this is so not who I want to be," I halfway wailed. "So, to answer your question? I won't be home for dinner tonight…or breakfast tomorrow. Happy fucking New Year."
End Call.
chapter 18
I managed to find somewhere to crash for the night so that I could have some time to think things through like I needed to. One of my co-workers, Julie, came by as I was sitting in my car in the parking lot, staring into space and totally clueless as to where I could go.
"Hey, Paige," she called out, tapping on my car window. "Are you okay?"
The thing was, I didn't have girl friends, or sisters or even a brother that I felt comfortable confiding in when something like this was tearing me apart. All I had were Eli and Cain, and they were the problem.
I lowered my window. "Just some drama with roommates," I replied. "I suddenly wish it weren't a long, holiday weekend."
"You want to crash at my place?" she offered.
It was tempting, but I sure as hell didn't want her trying to dig into the details of my roommate problems in an effort to give me some sage advice.
"I mean, I'm staying with Rick over the New Year holiday so it's like you'd have the place to yourself…well almost, that is," she laughed. "Can you feed my cat, Brutus?"
Done fucking deal.
And so that's how it went.
