Page 110 of Bend
“You want to do this?” I ask.
“Do you?”
Did I? What reason would I have to take him up on a promise of fidelity? What was in it for me, except him? “I’ve never been faithful to anyone in my life. I’m not built for it.”
He laughs. “You’re built for a lot of things, kitten.”
“I want you, Deacon. I want you so bad.”
“I think we need this.”
“I won’t fail you,” I say, believing it from fingertips to core. I believe I can be exclusive to him.
“I know.”
He leans in to kiss me, his breath a draft of mint and the floral bloom of gin. I melt into his lips. My face scrunches, and the ache in my body slams back into my chest. I’m thrown by a bucking memory.
Fucking brain. Goddamn brain won’t let me kiss him. I’m on my bed in my stupid condo, weeping uncontrollably, and my sheets stink to heaven of fucking.
Fiona. I’m not going to wake you. I’m going to count to three. On three, think of your happiest moment.
I claw at the sheets until they rip.
One.
He is not the indestructible Dom. He’s just a man. I want to destroy the sheets, the bed, the room. In the middle of my self-loathing, a weight between my legs grows, a siren call to forgetfulness and obliteration. I throw a leg over the bed’s footboard and ride it.
Two.
I cry out, and that cry is drowned out by the breaking dam of my orgasm.
Three.
I’m on a small plane, on my back. Charlie fucks me, and Amanda’s face is right before me. Her tits brush my shoulder, her blond hair in my face. She smiles. She is beautiful. I open my mouth because I’m going to come. Charlie puts his lips on my cheek, grinding his sweet cock. Amanda’s eyelids drop when I put my wet fingers on her clit. I’m high, on some delicious drug that lets me feel the connection between us three, our surrender, the tightening and expanding space between us, the puzzle pieces of cocks and cunts and asses, how we all fit together like one big universe forever and ever, amen.
***
I breathed as if my lungs had been vacuum-packed into my rib cage. Elliot moved to face me as I gulped air.
“I’ve never seen anyone have such an intense experience,” he said.
“That’s me. Intense experience girl.” I grabbed his hand because I still felt as though I was falling.
He brought his other hand over mine. “You still don’t remember.”
“No. I’m tired.”
His green-grey eyes looked at me as if they were peeling me open. “What are you feeling?”
“Tiredness.”
“Don’t shut down.”
“I’m tired, and I want to…” I took a deep breath.
“You want to use.”
“Yes. But I got it. It’s not a problem.”
