Page 47 of Then You Happened
“You ever hear people say they need to get back to basics? That they need to figure out why they loved it in the first place?”
“What’s the it you’re referring to?” she asks as I nod at Ginger and the bottle of beer he slides in front of me.
“Ranching. The horses. When it was nothing more than simple schedules and the day-to-day. When your hands were dirty and your body was exhausted by the time the sun set. Building something up instead of tearing it down,” I say. “Before it became a burden, an obligation, and a privilege to be a Sutton all at the same time?”
I think of everything I chased and everywhere I went so I could be anything other than a Sutton. I put so much into trying to escape the thumb he wanted to keep me under, only to be pulled back in.
“I came here to keep my word to Dad, but I’m finding out that I needed more than that.”
“What is it that you need that you can’t get here?”
I blow out a breath and shake my head even though she can’t see it. “I’m still trying to figure that out.”
“If it’s forgiveness you’re looking for, he already gave that to you, you know. Dad wasn’t mad at you for not dropping everything and coming back,” she says softly, and the guilt hits me just as hard now as it did when she told me he’d fallen asleep and hadn’t woken up. “He knew you had to go and figure yourself out before the world started to expect things from you simply because you’re his son.”
I swallow over the lump of emotion that seems to magically appear the minute I think of him. The hardass man I hated, only to figure out when it was too late how much I really loved him.
“Guilt’s a nasty bitch to live with, Lauren.”
“It’s hard for me too. I was here and saw him like that. I’ll have that image in my head the rest of my life while you are mad at yourself because you don’t. I’m not sure which one is better, so why don’t you come home so we can live with the guilt together?”
The softness in her voice tells me she’s crying again, and I fucking hate that. I hate how his death has ripped our family to shreds. He was the rock. Now we’re just . . . rubble. I also know that she means what she says. If I go home, she’ll give less to her kids to make sure I’m okay, which is the last thing I need. Her changing her life for me when I probably wouldn’t have changed shit if she’d asked me to would only pile on more guilt.
I’m too selfish. Too much of a bastard.
This is part of my promise to him, though. The Knox ranch is killing two birds with one stone. Figuring out how to run that place on a shoestring budget so it can thrive instead of letting a bigger ranch swallow it is my own demon to fight.
Figuring how to make amends in my own way.
Dealing with someone else’s problems.
Tate’s problems.
“Jack-Jack?” Lauren says, using the nickname she gave me forever ago.
“Yeah. Yes. I’m here.” My sigh eats up the silence on the line. “Just distracted, is all.”
“Tell me about her.”
My smile is instant. The scowl just as fluid right after. Isn’t that Tate though? A smile and scowl mixed with everything in between.
“She’s off limits, you know that, right?”
“Why would you even think to say that?” I ask.
“Your silence. That’s what made me think to say it.”
“Lau—”
“Don’t Lauren me, Jack. I know you better than anyone . . . and that silence after I asked you to tell me about her spoke volumes.”
“She’s complicated.” And gorgeous and frustrating and so much I can’t figure out.
“You like complicated.”
I bark out a laugh at her insanity. “And you like to snoop.”
“See? I told you that you liked her. You talk when you don’t care. You clam up and accuse when you do.”
