Page 134 of Cockpit
He says the words I’ve waited to hear. Not just about the position at Haute, but that I’d done a good job. And yet, I don’t feel a single ounce of elation.
None. Sure, I love that I made him proud . . . but I feel like shit. I feel like I’ve betrayed myself by being here, fighting for this when I didn’t stay and fight harder for Grayson.
Maybe I am more like Claire than I’d like to admit.
Words are hard to come by and not because I’m ungrateful but rather because I didn’t stay and fight harder. “Thank you.”
“You say that as if you’re reluctant. C’mon—” He throws his hands up. “Get excited. You just worked your tail off and are going to reap the rewards.” His eyes narrow as he looks more closely at me. “It’s the party you have to go back for, isn’t it? Don’t go if you don’t want to. You’ve done your job; you aren’t required to be there.”
The thought of not going, of not seeing Grayson again, has me choking on air. “No, I want to go back.”
“That surprises me.”
“In fact . . . in fact, Dad, I don’t think I deserve the position at Haute.”
What am I doing?
He snaps his head up, stunned. “You what?”
“I, uh, I took a lot of credit that wasn’t mine to take. Your editor-in-chief of Modern Family, Rissa Patel is the one who helped me a lot.”
Did I really just say that?
“So, you didn’t do the work then?” Confusion etches in the lines of his face.
“No, I did. I did all the work . . . but I think someone else is more deserving of the position than I am. I think with her background and originality, she’d be a better fit.”
“I’m not following you, Sid.”
Fight for him.
“I want to stay in Sunnyville. I want to work on Modern Family. If Rissa wants the position at Haute—only if she wants it—then I would love a shot at her job at the magazine.”
“You’re telling me you want to stay in Sunnyville?”
I want to prove to him that he is what I want.
“Yes.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose as he tries to process what I’m telling him. That his daughter wants to leave her beloved city and stay in the suburbs. Willingly. The same place she stomped her feet at when she was told she had to go there.
“May I ask why?”
Because he’s worth the risk.
“Because I learned a lot about myself when I worked there, and I think there’s a lot more for me to improve.”
“I see.”
And because I like the woman Grayson makes me want to be when I’m with him.
Me: Text me when you get to town. We need to talk.
I hit send and then realize what a dick I sound like, but I can’t take it back.
Fuck. Can I do anything right?
All I have to do is tell her that she’s my choice. That I choose her.
