Page 60 of Control (Everyday Heroes 3.50)
It was a rude but much-needed awakening when I knocked on his door and he wasn’t home.
So I kept my distance. I didn’t give him the flirty eyes or the little squeeze of his hand like I have in the past.
From the concerned look in his eyes I know he noticed. But was it concern or was it hurt that flickered there?
I’m not sure and I’m too busy protecting my heart to ask.
The
same way I was when he came knocking on the door the other day to tell me how he relieved he was that they’d caught my intruder. I pretended to be on the phone with a supplier and that I couldn’t talk with him.
Cowardly? Yes.
A necessity to save my heart from the impeding heartbreak? Definitely.
“Can I have one minute more of your time, ladies?” Bear asks just as we begin to walk off the mat. I nod eagerly, because that means one more minute to compose myself before I have to face Reznor.
The funny thing is that for the first time, I didn’t come here today out of fear. I came here because I wanted to. Because I wanted to see Reznor.
I came because for the first time in forever, I felt okay.
“Who here has enjoyed working with Rez?” Bear asks.
Hoots and hollers echo off the gym as women applaud and praise him. Reznor looks at Bear—his cheeks slightly flushed in embarrassment—and then shakes his head before looking over and locking his eyes on mine.
The look in his eyes and the pulse of the muscle in his jaw—I already know what Bear is going to say before he speaks.
“Next week will be our last class with Reznor unless you can convince him to stay.” The women around me groan while I stand stoically.
And my heart implodes.
No. I don’t know if I say the word or if I scream it, but it’s on repeat in my head, even though that simple word does nothing to truly express how I feel inside. How it feels to have your insides drop to your toes while your body has to keep operating.
“He’s been called back to SFPD...some shit about them needing him. Don’t they know we need him?” He laughs.
Don’t they know I need him?
Bear drones on, but it’s Reznor’s eyes I can’t look away from. It’s his broad shoulders and proud posture I want to hold on to. It’s those strong arms I want to wrap around me.
But they won’t.
I knew this was coming...and yet I didn’t expect to find out like this.
I didn’t expect to hear it secondhand from Bear and not from Reznor himself...and that stings. I feel...angry suddenly, and although I don’t really have the right to direct it at Reznor, that’s where it is. It’s fueled by hurt and heartache and disbelief, and I...I need to get out of here.
But he keeps staring at me.
I can’t stand here anymore.
I’m mad at myself for doing the one thing I swore I couldn’t—fall for Reznor. And now I have and he’s leaving regardless, so who looks like the idiot now?
It’s all my fault. I’ve got to get out of here.
“Excuse me,” I murmur to the lady beside me as I step back and off the mat as Bear continues.
I quickly grab my things and jog out of the gym, trying not to call attention to myself. My feet move to staunch my anger but my head and heart keep fueling it.
“Desi. Wait up.”
