Page 100 of Down Shift (Driven 8)
God. Even that makes me sound like a prick. Like I’m not man enough to admit I overreacted and lashed out for no reason. Fuck, this is fucked.
“Zander.”
“What?” I hear myself snap at her and the minute I do, I cringe in regret. “I’m sorry, Getty, it’s just—” My words are cut off when I look to where she’s pulling something out of the box as she picks it up from the floor. “What’s that?”
Her eyes lift to meet mine. “The bottom flap was stuck. We didn’t see it. When the box fell off the bed, it jostled it loose.”
She hands me the white envelope, and I see that my name is scribbled on the front, with two hearts scrawled on either side of it that match the one my mom put above the i in her signature. My eyes flash up to Getty’s in shock and then back down.
Moving closer to the lamp, I perch on the edge of the bed and slide my finger under the lip of the sealed letter. It gives instantly, time lessening the adhesive’s effectiveness. When I look up, Getty is softly shutting the door behind her to give me privacy.
As if she already knows whatever is in this envelope is going to knock me on my ass.
With a lump in my throat and unsteady fingers, I carefully pull the paper from the envelope and unfold it.
Dear Zander—
If you’re getting this letter, something has happened to me. He’s finally followed through on his threats. I know you’re scared and you’re sad, but don’t be. I will always be with you. The greatest gift I’ve ever received was getting to be your mommy, so please, always remember how much I love you. You are my heart, my moon, my sun, and my stars. Please never doubt or forget that.
I’m sure you have so many questions and all I can hope is that maybe when you are older, this can help you make sense of everything that has happened.
Love can be pure. Love can be fierce. It can be volatile. It can turn black. But even when it does, you can’t always stop loving. The way I love you is pure. Nothing can ever take that away from us. The way I love your dad is all four of those things, even the black. It’s the kind of love that’s almost as bad as the drugs he loves.
I’ve tried to leave. We’ve stayed in a shelter. We’ve stayed with friends. But I’m weak. I can’t turn the love off. Even now when it’s black. Even knowing that if I walked away, I could protect you better. But I couldn’t. I’ve placed calls anonymously to CPS, telling them to check on the little boy in our house, in hopes that they’d see your dad’s addiction and make him get help. Then we’d be safe. Then we could start over.
I’ve failed you, Zee.
If you’re reading this, I’ve failed the only thing I’ve ever done in my life that is perfect—YOU.
I’m so sorry.
But I need you to do something for me. I need you to remember this advice I have for you. Because while we might not have much, while I might be a weak woman who stayed when she should have left, while I have done so many things wrong, you are the one thing I did right. So please, Zander . . . if you can live your life with this in mind, then you will keep me alive in your heart.
Love. Love fiercely. Love purely. Love blindly if you want, but never let love turn black. If it turns black, walk away and never look back. For me, because I couldn’t. Your heart only sees the good in everyone right now. I know that won’t last forever. Love is incredibly powerful when it’s right.
Live wildly. Not recklessly. Follow paths that wander. Take roads that are fast. Chase your dreams. Race into your future and forget about your past.
When you are older, find a woman who makes you laugh. One who is strong and who can fight her own battles because when you have to fight one together, you’ll be stronger knowing she can hold her own. Treat her well. It’s the little things that get lost in the big picture. Don’t forget this, Zee. Women like grand gestures just to know that you didn’t forget the little things. And love her with all your heart. We only accept the love we think we deserve, and you . . . you deserve the universe.
Make mistakes. It’s allowed. Don’t get upset over the little ones. Learn from the big ones. And whatever the mistake, right the wrong as soon as you can. If you don’t and you grow up to be anything like me, you’ll want to bury your head in the sand and put off fixing it, refuse to admit you were wrong—but don’t. You might never get the chance to fix it. I didn’t. If I had, you wouldn’t be reading this.
Have patience. But not too much. When there’s something you want, go after it. But if there’s something worth your while you want bad enough, be patient.
I hope you never have to read this. That I’m writing it as a reminder to myself why I need to leave and get help. A wake-up call.
There’s one more thing. You have something you love almost as much as me. It goes everywhere with you—even to bed. I left something for you inside it. Remember when I told your dad I lost it? I fibbed because I wanted to put it aside for you—just in case. I hope this makes sense. You’re such a smart boy, you’ve probably already figured it out. I hope that when you find it, it will bring you comfort.
I love you, my Zander, my Zee-man, my Zee-bug. I always will. Every time you feel the sun shine on your face, that’s me wrapping you in my arms and hugging you from Heaven.
Remember me always.
Mommy
I can barely breathe. I look again at the letter, ink splattered with my mom’s tears. My thoughts are all over the place. Salt on my lips. Tears, when I don’t cry. I wipe them off my cheeks. The letter trembles in my hand.
Then I read it again.
The numbness that burned within me for so long aches like a bitch, but I swear to God it’s because I’ve finally found some peace.
