Page 87 of Deep (Chicago Underground 8)
My heart caught in my throat. “And what did you learn?”
The hand lifting my head curved until he cupped the back of my neck. His head dipped until our breaths mingled. We breathed the same air; we occupied the same space and time, merged.
“I learned that connection is the only damn thing that matters in this cold world,” he murmured before pressing his lips to mine. He kissed me as if to prove his words, a research paper written with his tongue and his teeth, an argument he made, an invasion of my mouth.
“What else?” I whispered when he pulled back.
I felt him smile against me, and then he kissed me again, this time nibbling on my lip until I felt an answering clench lower in my body. “I learned that I could be surrounded by people, more people than I’d ever seen, but I could be completely alone.”
“Yes,” I whispered urgently, because that was my entire life, my whole life crowded but empty.
Alone.
My arms curled around his neck, and I pulled him down to me, hands clenched in the silky wool of his suit jacket. He answered immediately, one hand on my hip holding me close. Not alone right now.
And then I realized his neck was bare. “Your mother’s ring. It’s gone.”
“I don’t need it anymore,” he said. “I’ll never forget her. She’s already here.” He put his hand over his heart, and I couldn’t help it—I put my hand over his, feeling the intense heat of him. No gentle warmth with Philip. His love was pure lava, hot and thick.
Between our bodies I felt him—hot and thick, indeed. “What else?”
He bent until his lips were against my forehead. “I learned that you were with me, wherever I went. I couldn’t get away from you.”
My breath caught. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“Bad?” he murmured, his hands lowering to my hips. He pushed me against him. “It’s the worst, kitten. I’m weak like this. Ruined. I need you too much.”
It was my turn to smile, though there were tears too. Happiness and sadness. Hope and despair, they came hand in hand. Light and dark. “What will you do about it?”
“Something I wouldn’t have done before. Couldn’t.”
That surprised me. And appealed to me in a dark way. Was there anything Philip couldn’t do? “What’s that?”
“Ask permission.”
A breath shuddered out of me. “For what?”
“To touch you. To keep you.” His hand reached for me and then clenched. “To love you.”
All the loneliness, all the fear that kept me isolated. All of it had led me to him. “God, Philip. You never needed my permission to love me.”
“Didn’t I?” He looked almost haunted. “What has my love done for you?”
That question was why he had pushed away every person he cared about. It was why he had left me. “Love isn’t a means to an end. It isn’t money or a gun. Love is the goal, the beginning and the end. And I love you, Philip Murphy.”
He didn’t look pleased or even proud. Instead he looked devastated by my admission. Maybe I had ruined him, but I didn’t think so. He was a glittering diamond, a flash on the surface and startling depth. I could look at him forever and never see every part of him.
“And to keep you,” he breathed.
“I was always yours,” I said, tears stinging my eyes. “I thought you knew that.”
Then he didn’t hold back anymore. His hand reached for me, clenched in my hair. Held me, kept me. I could give him my body, my heart, but I would demand his in return. And he needed it as much as I did.
His eyes were bottomless, deep. And I could see all the way inside him.
He was dark and beautiful and mine.
“To touch you?” he said, voice hoarse.
