Page 116 of I am Dressed in Sin (Death by Daybreak MC 2)
I can do anything these men can do. More. They have no idea how desperate I am to prove myself.
Desperation breeds ingenuity.
“If I were a man?” I query and Crown turns to look at me. The force of his stare is staggering. I meet it head-on.
“It doesn’t matter to me,” he explains, holding out his palms in a placating gesture. “But it matters to the other men. It might always matter. You said you could see me as president someday. Maybe. Even then, I can’t change the entire culture of the club.”
“That’s not what I’m asking,” I reply, getting choked up and swiping a hand down my face. If I’d been born a man, I might’ve turned into Gaz, might’ve been spoiled, might’ve rotted on the branch. Instead, the club treated me like I was nothing; I made myself become something. My heart is crafted of iron and my resolve is impenetrable and endless. “I don’t need that. I need the four of you to trust me, to treat me like a human being. Be my armor against the rest of the club. Let me thrive like a fern beneath the shadows of the trees.” I walk away from Crown, my boots sinking into the softness of the forest floor. “If it were sunny, the fern wouldn’t do well. Under the trees, it thrives. Its function in the world is different, but it’s no less important.” I point at a large, lush fern growing out of a nearby trunk, knowing that I’m going out on a limb here with a ridiculous metaphor. Still, I can’t help it. My life is bathed in metaphors and prose; it’s the only way it makes any sort of sense. “This is a resurrection fern. It grows out of the tree, but it doesn’t hurt it. They have a symbiotic relationship.”
Crown pauses beside the tree, reaching up to run his fingers along the green fronds. I’m not tall enough to reach it, but he has no problem.
“You spin pretty stories, Gidge. I just don’t know if they function in the confines of reality.” He looks back at me, releasing the fern’s frond.
“Which part, Crown? Me participating in actual club business? Or the relationship with the four of you? We’d all have to give up something to make it work. I’ll admit, you guys would be giving up more than I would.” I sigh and rub at my face. It never occurred to me until now that … maybe I’m not worth it to them? They couldn’t bear to see me suffer for my actions with Grey, but that doesn’t mean they’re willing to spend the rest of their lives with one-fourth of a heart. An infinite and endless heart of shadows it might be, but still.
If I had to share any one of them with three other girls, I’d snap.
I’d make them choose me or else I’d walk.
How can I expect anything else from them?
Crown doesn’t answer me; that’s his way of saying he either can’t or won’t. At least not yet.
“Tell me more about Gaz,” I say instead, because I can’t work with partial information anymore. Crown’s been the biggest holdout; the other guys have been telling me whatever I need to know. But old rule follower over here? He’s a tough nut to crack.
In silent agreement, we start to walk. I allow Crown to lead us; he’ll know where guards are posted, where we’ll have the most privacy, the least chance of being caught.
“Back then, someone told the mafia about the casino. It’s a tribal casino, a great place to wash money. Native American tribes are sovereign nations; the US government doesn’t like to dig into their finances the way they might with a different business. It was quite literally the perfect place for us to launder money.” Crown licks the edge of his mouth in annoyance. “We weren’t involved in running the casino whatsoever. We gave them the funds, offered a substantial cut, and waited for a clean return. For the mafia to know about it, someone had to have talked.”
“Why couldn’t it have been someone from the casino?” I ask, trying to puzzle this out. “They could’ve approached the mafia and offered a deal on their own.”
“That’s what I thought,” Crown says, pausing again and tucking his hands in his pockets. “That’s why we … interrogated a few of them.” He stares right at me, as if daring me to protest, to be sick, to run as far and as fast as I can. But I already did that. I ended up in hell. They saved me from it. Here I stand. Yet I know that if I asked for it, Crown would put me on a plane and watch as it took off, never to return again.
They’d all let me go, wouldn’t they? If I really wanted that.
