Page 76 of Some Sort of Love (Happy Crazy Love 3)
I hadn’t counted on falling so hard for Jillian. What if Scotty took to her and she didn’t take to him? What if she did but decided she couldn’t handle the wa
y we had to live? What if letting her in only meant revealing to her all my weaknesses?
What if she left? Then what?
When Tara left, it had been hard, but it hadn’t broken me. I’d been solely concerned with my son.
If Jillian left, it would break me.
And maybe I would deserve it for my shortcomings.
I couldn’t put it off forever. But I had to protect myself a little longer.
The week after Thanksgiving, Levi and I made a date to do some Christmas shopping at the mall and have dinner. I knew it was pointless to ask, but I did anyway.
“Does Scotty want to come along? We could go out for Italian after.”
“No. He doesn’t do well at the mall. Too many sounds, smells, noises. It’s overwhelming for him.”
“OK.”
The week after that, Scotty was sick and Levi didn’t feel it would be right to leave him. “Poor thing,” I said. “What does he have?”
“Just a virus, I guess. We saw the doctor this morning. He’s pretty miserable.”
“Why don’t I bring you both some dinner? I don’t have to stay. I can see you for a minute and bring you something to eat so you don’t have to cook.”
“You’re sweet to offer, but no. I wouldn’t want you to get sick.”
“I’m a pediatrician, Levi. I’m around sick kids day in and day out.”
“I know, but it’s OK. If my mom comes down tomorrow, maybe we can have coffee or something.”
My stomach churned. “Sure. Whatever you want.”
We hung up, and I was so worked up that I went to the gym and got on the treadmill, walking fast and hard for forty solid minutes, huffing and puffing, my anger boiling inside me.
This was not OK. It was one thing to accept being less than the top priority in his life; it was another to accept being treated as if I were frivolous, insignificant, good for a laugh or a fuck, but not essential.
This wasn’t asking too much. I saw that clearly. I wasn’t asking for a ring. I wasn’t asking to live together. I wasn’t even asking for a promise that those things would happen. I was asking for a chance. I was asking to be given the opportunity to love them both.
To deny me that at this point was unfair.
My sisters were right. Levi was right.
I deserved more.
I loved him with all my heart, but I couldn’t go on feeling like this—like I wasn’t enough.
Of all people, he had to understand that.
• • •
He texted me the following morning. It was Saturday, the first week of December, and I was spending the morning catching up on housework.
Hey, beautiful. I miss you.
I miss you too. How’s Scotty?
