Page 84 of Floored (Frenched 3)
“Charlie, it’s been months.” I thumped my hands on the table.
“But I didn’t realize the night of the burglary that we were going to end up sleeping together. And then when we did, I didn’t realize I’d end up falling in love with you.”
Anger exploded in my chest, so hot and fast I nearly rocketed out of my chair. “Falling in love with me! You don’t love me, Charlie Dwyer. Don’t even try to play that card right now.”
He looked sad and earnest, the bastard. “I do, Erin. I do love you. I realized it was happening that night at Cliff Bell’s and I fought admitting it for days. That weekend I was supposed to have Madison, which was why I couldn’t go to the wedding. But then Laura called and said they were seeing Blake’s family for the holidays that night. So I was able to come and surprise you. When I saw you in that church, I knew how I felt. I nearly told you I loved you that night.”
“But instead you waited for Starbucks?” Horrified, I looked around and lowered my voice. “God, Charlie. This just feels so wrong.” I propped my elbows on the table, my forehead on my fingertips. “It’s not how I imagined this moment at all.”
He reached for one of my wrists and took my hand in his. “I’m sorry. For all of this. Look, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve clearly never had a successful relationship, and I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you walked out of here right now and never looked back. But I hope you don’t.”
Part of me wanted to do just that—walk out. This man had serious baggage, and he’d lied to me. Maybe it was by omission, but it was still a lie in my book. Yet another part of me missed him badly and still longed to be with him, whatever it took. “I don’t know what to do, Charlie. I…have feelings for you, but I need to think about this. How do I know you didn’t hide this because you suspected I might have an issue with dating someone who has a child?”
Worry creased his forehead. “I don’t know. I guess you just have to trust me that I didn’t look at it that way. I never meant for you and I to get to this point, Erin. But we’re here, I’m telling you the truth, and I’ll ask you now.” Taking a deep breath, he asked me the question I’d been afraid to ask myself. “Are you willing to be with someone who has a child, knowing that child will always come first?”
I chewed my bottom lip, agonizing over the answer. Was I a horrible person if I said I wasn’t sure? Was I being selfish and immature to think it might be too difficult? It wasn’t only a child, but an ex-wife too, one that had the right to make rules Charlie had to follow. My eyes filled. “I don’t know, Charlie. Maybe if I’d known of her existence, about the whole situation from the beginning, I’d have had time to get used to it. As it stands right now…” I felt too awful to say it.
He nodded sadly, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. “I understand.”
I looked at him through tears. “Can I have some time to think about it?”
“Of course. But while you take that time…” He closed his eyes briefly. “As hard as it will be, I think we shouldn’t see each other. I don’t want to hide things from Laura anymore—I shouldn’t have done it in the first place.”
I nodded, the tears beginning to drip down my cheeks. “You’re right. Plus it would just confuse things for me.”
He let go of my hand and offered me a napkin. “When you’re ready to talk again, let me know. If you decide you want to try, I’m willing to come clean with Laura and see what she says.”
My battered heart dusted itself off a little as I wiped my eyes. “You’d do that? Come clean about us?”
“Absolutely.” His bright blue eyes were clear, his gaze firm. “I never thought I’d say this to anyone, Erin, but I want you in my life. Completely. And that means you’ll be in Madison’s life, too.” He reached for my hand again. “But if you decide that’s too much for you, I’ll understand.”
He looked so heartbroken at the possibility, a fresh wave of tears broke, and I tried to stifle my sobs so we wouldn’t attract attention. Already I felt the censure of people’s stares. You’d turn away a man who loves you just because he has an innocent little child?
But they didn’t understand what it felt like to fall in love with someone and have that person turn out to be someone else! Ever since my mother had told me about his daughter, I’d felt like I couldn’t catch my balance. Everything was off kilter. I needed solid ground under my feet again in order to think clearly, and that was only going to happen with a little distance to gain perspective. Being in a relationship with a man who had a child wasn’t anything to take lightly.
With a viselike sadness squeezing my heart, I hugged him goodbye outside. He held me for a full minute while I wept on his shoulder. Then he kissed my cheek and let me go.
#
Later that night, I curled up in bed alone, cursing myself for changing the sheets since he’d last spent the night. I wished I could smell him again. I wished I could hear his voice. I wished I could see his silhouette in the darkness, moving above me.
With no more tears left to cry, I wrapped my arms and legs around my body pillow and lay completely still, begging God to give me the answers I needed.
God must have been terribly busy the next two weeks. Because despite a lot of badgering on my part (I went to mass with my mother, did a couple shifts at the soup kitchen, prayed nightly), He remained irritatingly silent on the subject of Charlie and me. Come on, I pleaded, lifting my eyes to the ceiling in church. Just give me a sign. Aren’t I a decent person? Don’t I deserve some peace of mind? Is this because of the things I did with Tony? I didn’t know he was going to be a priest!
Nothing.
Mia and Coco were no better. They refused to tell me what to do, insisting that I make my own decision. But they never let me feel alone—they met me for coffee or lunch, they invited me to dinner at their houses on Saturday nights, they asked for help with things like painting and shopping for furniture in an effort to
keep me busy. My mother asked me a few times about Charlie, but I simply said we’d been too busy to see each other much lately. She knew something was up, but miraculously, didn’t press me. I felt bad about not confiding in her, but Coco and Mia were right—I had to make my own decision.
As for Charlie, he texted me once or twice to let me know he was thinking of me, but for the most part, he kept his distance, which was what I needed.
I spent huge chunks of time asking myself the hard questions. Could I forgive Charlie for lying? Could I trust him? Could I handle coming second in Charlie’s life? Could I deal with an ex-wife who might be resentful and cause trouble? What if Madison disliked me? What if she was jealous of me? What if I disliked her? I knew that wasn’t likely, because in general I adored kids and enjoyed teaching them, but every now and then I did meet a child who was too whiny or entitled or sullen to have fun with.
But I kept picturing that little gap-toothed smile, all those little frog tattoos, the big, delighted blue eyes. She didn’t look whiny or sullen; she looked darling. I wanted to meet her—this little piece of Charlie he cherished so much. I wanted to see them together, wanted to know what he was like as a dad. When I thought about the way he’d been so kind to those two little girls last month, my heart melted. I bet he was so sweet with Madison—which was such a turn-on.
And I missed him. God, how I missed him.
