Page 63 of Frenched (Frenched 1)
My heart ticked faster than it had a right to, agitation itching under my skin. What the hell are you getting upset about? Jesus, probably a couple should exchange phone numbers before they exchange rings. You haven’t even known him a week.
Plus, it wasn’t like I thought everyone my age wanted to get married. Even Coco said she wasn’t sure about it. But I’d always known I would. In fact, I remembered asking Tucker about it once we’d been dating a few months and thinking that if he’d said he didn’t ever want to get married, then I’d move on. He’d said it was part of his plan eventually, just not any time soon, and I’d been OK with that.
Suddenly I had a thought, and as usual I couldn’t let it go. I took a deep breath. “Is that why you and Jessica broke up?”
Lucas took a moment before answering, his eyes glued to the gravel. “It wasn’t the only reason, but yes,” he admitted. “She wanted to get married. I didn’t.” Then he stopped walking and put a hand on my arm. “But if you’re thinking I did to her what your ex did to you, I promise you, I didn’t. I’d always made my views on marriage perfectly clear. It wasn’t like it was a surprise or anything.”
“No. No, of course not.” I told myself to ask about something else, but the subject of Lucas’s ex was like that stupid breakup song you can’t stop listening to even though it makes you feel horrible. I had a twisted fascination with her.
“You said marriage was just one reason. Can I ask about the others?” It was a personal question, too personal, and he had every right to tell me to mind my own business, but he didn’t.
“Well…” He appeared to struggle with words. “For one thing, we had different appetites.”
Appetites? “What do you mean?”
He glanced at me, and I saw the red in his cheeks. It was more than color from the sun. “Remember how I told you I was nervous about scaring you with…things I wanted to do to you?”
“Nothing you do scares me.”
“Well, some things I liked used to scare her. Or at least, she wasn’t into them.”
That was amazing to me. How could any girl be with Lucas and not want to submit to his every whim? Maybe I was a little sex starved, or at least good-sex starved, but Lucas was perfection in that regard. He made me feel like an angel, a devil, beauty and desire incarnate. He let me do anything I wanted to him and did things to me I’d never even dreamed of. How will anyone else live up?
I cleared my throat. “Was the breakup bad?”
“Pretty bad. She said I didn’t love her enough to change, or to make a promise that she was ready to make to me.”
“Wow. That’s rough.” I actually felt sorry for both of them—yes, even goddamn Jessica. Because they were both right, in a way. I could see both sides. “So when was that?”
“Last Christmas.”
Six months ago. Lifting the soft petals of the pink flower he’d given me to my nose once more, I inhaled and exhaled. “Do you still love her?”
He shook his head. “No. I mean, I still care about her. I want her to be happy, but I knew that it ultimately wasn’t going to be with me. I guess I’d known it for a while and should have ended things sooner, but I didn’t want to hurt her.”
I nodded, wondering if that’s what Tucker had felt like. Had he wanted to end things sooner too? Had he stifled the impulse to tell me he didn’t want to get married because I was so obsessed with the wedding? God, I could hardly recall a conversation between us in the last year about anything non wedding-related. What a fucking circus it was going to be. For the first time, I felt an iota of sympathy for Tucker. One iota.
“It must have been hard after such a long time,” I said.
“It was. I felt horrible. But she wanted something I couldn’t give her. I didn’t want to lie about it, make a promise I knew I couldn’t keep.”
I nodded, thinking he’d done exactly as I’d asked—told me something about himself that made me realize he wasn’t perfect for me, at least not in the long run.
So why did it feel so shitty?
We reached the edge of the garden where it bordered on the olive grove. Lucas stopped walking and took me into his arms. “Come here.” He kissed me warm and soft. “Let’s not talk about the past. Or the future. Where we came from and where we’ll end up don’t matter to me as much as being here right now with you.”
I melted into his kiss, telling myself he was right. OK, maybe I did have some feelings for him, and maybe it was more than a fuck fling, but it wasn’t love, not the kind that would last. Because as shitty as it felt to have my wedding called off, I still wanted to get married someday. I still wanted a home and a family. I was sure of it.
Lucas didn’t. And he was sure of it.
So even if some secret piece of my heart had been hoping for a different outcome, my head knew for certain now—this was all temporary.
Just a dream.
#
We went back to the pool and spent the rest of the afternoon swimming and hanging out with his family and dozing next to each other on a cushioned double chaise lounge. And the more I analyzed the conversation we had in the garden, the more I was certain this was a rebound thing, for both of us.
