Page 84 of Imperfect Match (Imperfect Match 1)
“Why not?”
“Because Reid is tall with dark hair and blue eyes. He’s Italian, and if I can’t have Reid, I sure as hell don’t want to look at a baby that will only further remind me of him.”
Aspen nods once and releases a heavy sigh. “Right. Makes sense. No Italian, got it.”
She continues to flip a little further. “Oh! Look at this guy! Artistic and quiet with a calm demeanor. Mellow and approachable. Likes nature and cooking. Of German, Norwegian, and French descent.” She smiles at me. “No Italian b
lood, and the total opposite kind of personality.”
I check out the profile of Donor #4347. When I look at all the information, I just want to throw the book. I don’t care what the guy is like because he’s not the guy I want anyway. “I don’t know. I can’t think.”
Aspen touches my hand. “Wills, you don’t have to do this now, you know? You’re dealing with a lot.”
“No, I’m just dealing with a reality that I never should’ve gone after Reid in the first place. I knew he didn’t want what I did, but I deluded myself into thinking I was enough to make him see how wrong he was.”
“You are more than enough.”
“Not for him!” I say, and then an onslaught of tears fall. “I wasn’t enough for him, Aspen. He didn’t love me enough to even consider it. He didn’t mull it over, it was just ‘no.’ It wasn’t this slug it out and find a way, it was give up the baby and keep him—knowing I was never going to be more than a girlfriend—or give him up and have a child. I had to choose ... and ... and I can’t do this! I just wanted him to love me.”
She pulls me to her, and I break apart. All of the emotions flood me like a tsunami with one wave after another. Each one drags me under and when I catch my breath again, another hits. I’m trying so hard to keep afloat, but I’m drowning in the pain of losing him.
There are so many questions.
Why didn’t he love me enough to even try?
Why did I think this would work?
Why couldn’t he leave the door open for the future?
Why can’t I give up what I want for him?
How the hell do I live without him?
“You can do this,” she assures me. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but I know you can. You are so strong, Willow.”
I look at her, wishing I could believe that. Right now, I don’t feel strong. “I wanted him so much.”
“I know.”
“I would’ve been patient with him. I would’ve shown him just how amazing he is, but he’s just so hell-bent on avoiding anything that reminds him the slightest bit of his father that he’s basically ensuring that he’ll live a life just like him—lonely.”
“You can’t change people, Willow.”
I know she’s right, but I can’t help but feel like this is my failure too.
If I meant that much to him, wouldn’t he have even tried?
“And you shouldn’t have to change for him. You wanted a baby long before Reid,” Aspen continues. “Giving that dream up would’ve crushed you. No matter what pain you’re in now, that would’ve been a wound that never healed.”
“I guess.” Fighting more tears, I sit back in my chair, shoulders slumped. “It’s going to be so hard doing this without his support. I never imagined myself going through it alone.”
My sister looks offended. “You’re not alone, Willow. You’ve got me, you’ve got Mom and Dad, and you’ve got friends other than Reid. We’ll all support you.”
“Thanks, Aspen.” This has to be one of the most intense and productive conversations I’ve ever had with my sister. Usually they’re filled with strange ideas that are totally off the wall.
“Of course. Look, it won’t be easy, but you are never alone. Reid was important in your life, and losing him will inevitably suck.”
She has no idea. He wasn’t just important, he was everything. I spent all my time with him. He knew everything about me. He was my person. And that was before we fell in love. “Yeah. It’s really going to suck.”
