Page 109 of From This Moment (After We Fall 4)
“You weren’t there. She was judging me,” I snapped.
“What did she say that was judgmental?”
I couldn’t think of anything, and it made me angry. “It was the way she was looking at me.”
“Hannah, are you sure this isn’t all in your head?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean that you’re so hard on yourself. You think people are judging you, but no one judges you more harshly than you do, whether it’s your body or your feelings for me or your parenting.”
Was he right? Was I overreacting? Making more out of everything than I needed to? Somehow the notion only made me feel more insecure.
“Don’t do that,” I said. “Don’t make me feel like I can’t tell what’s real. I know what I feel.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to discount your feelings. I’m only trying to look at the bright side. Abby tried to kiss someone, not punch him. She did it to show him she likes him, not to be mean. I can think of a lot worse things a kid could do.”
“But what about arguing with her classmates about uncles and moms getting married?” I wouldn’t be talked out of this. Everything was terrible, and I couldn’t fix any of it. “Don’t you think that means she’s still confused?”
“No. I think it means she listened to what you said yesterday, and she trusts you. Frankly, I’d be more worried if she went around telling kids what my mom said.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. What he was saying made sense, but this thing in me, this ever-present pit of fear and doubt, refused to let up.
“Hannah? You there?” Wes said.
“Yes. I’m here. I’m just—frustrated.”
“With what?”
“With my feelings. I get what you’re saying, but it’s not enough to convince me I’m not doomed to fail at everything.”
“You’re not.”
“Or fucking up my kid.”
“You’re not.”
“Or being punished for the way I feel about you.”
“You’re not. Hannah, what is this about? I feel like this is more than just concern over
Abby.”
It’s about the promises you can’t keep, the lies we told ourselves, the choices you made.
It’s about being scared you’ll break me, when I’ve been broken before.
It’s about the fear of loving you too much, of being unable to live without you. I’m powerless, don’t you see?
“It’s nothing.” My throat was thick. “I guess I just had a bad day.”
“I wish I was there so badly.”
I nodded, tears burning my eyes. “Me too.” But part of me was glad he wasn’t. I can’t let him fool me anymore.
“Can I see you tomorrow?”
“I don’t know, Wes.”
