Page 53 of From This Moment (After We Fall 4)
“No. Two weeks ago, we…I… Things got physical between us,” I blurted. My cheeks burned. “And it was amazing. But when it was over, I had a panic attack because I realized it wasn’t just physical.”
“I’m sure Wes understood,” said Margot.
“He did, but then I—I lied to him. I blamed what we’d done on being lonely and missing Drew. But it wasn’t true, and he knew it. Because he knows me.” A tear slipped down my cheek. “He said, ‘I don’t believe you.’ And then he left.”
“And you haven’t seen him since?” Margot asked, her voice rising.
I shook my head slowly. “But I will tonight. It’s Abby’s birthday dinner at Lenore and Doc’s house. He’ll be there, and I’m dreading it.”
“Oh my God. No wonder you’ve been so tense today.” Georgia’s eyes were wide. “I don’t blame you.”
“I’m sorry to unload this on you guys,” I said, getting up to grab a tissue. “You’re probably sorry you asked what was wrong.”
“Not at all,” Georgia said. “I just wish there was something we could do to help you. It’s all so sad.”
“It is sad,” I agreed, “but in the long run, I’m making the right decision.”
“Are you sure?” asked Margot.
I sat down again and blew my nose. “Yes,” I answered.
“Because I don’t think you are,” she went on. “If you were sure, you wouldn’t feel so torn about this. And I can see on your face that you’re torn.”
“No, I’m not,” I said, but my voice lacked the punch I aimed for.
“Yes, you are. And I don’t blame you.” Her voice softened. “You’ve got Abby to consider, and your situation is complicated by the fact that he’s your brother-in-law. But Hannah.” She put her hand on my arm again. “Don’t let fear hold you back. You’ll regret it.”
“But what if—”
“You’ll never be able to guard against all the what-ifs, Hannah,” said Georgia. “No one can.”
“Talk to him,” Margot said. “Just trust me. Talk to him.”
I sighed. “I’ll think about it.”
And I did—I thought about it in the shower, as I dressed for dinner, while I loaded the wrapped presents into the car, and on the short drive to the house.
But no matter how convincing or reassuring Georgia and Margot had been this afternoon, I couldn’t help feeling like I was right on the edge of some huge, frightening abyss, and one misstep would send me careening into darkness. I didn’t want to make a mistake. Wasn’t it better just to stay where I was? Take no step at all, even if it meant being lonely for the rest of my life?
As I pulled into the driveway at Lenore and Doc’s, I made up my mind. Maybe I was letting fear hold me back, and maybe I’d regret it later, but then again, maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I’d be glad someday that I hadn’t taken the risk.
I couldn’t guard against all the what-ifs in life, but dammit, I could guard myself from this one.
Eleven
WES
“Hand me the eggs, will you, dear?” my mother asked.
“The what?” I was standing in front of the open fridge, but I’d completely zoned out. Happened to me all the time these days. I’d open a drawer, walk into a room, start a sentence, but then I’d see something or hear something or even smell something that would remind me of Hannah, and my body and mind simply froze, paralyzed by thoughts of her. I’d suddenly have no clue what I was looking for or trying to say.
“The eggs, dear.” Her tone was slightly exasperated. “I’ve asked you three times.”
“Oh. Sorry.” I pulled out the egg carton and set it on the counter where she was mixing up cake batter for Abby’s sixth birthday dinner tonight. It would be the first time Hannah and I saw each other in two weeks.
“What’s got you so addled these days?” she asked, eyeing me as I went back to the fridge, opened it up, and focused on taking out some lunchmeat for a sandwich.
“Nothing.” I pulled out turkey, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, wishing she’d stop fucking asking me that question.
