Page 75 of After We Fall (After We Fall 2)
I knew she was right—Steph would say that, and she had a thousand times in my mind. But I just couldn’t believe her.
“And she’d probably be angry that you blame yourself,” Margot went on. “She’d want you to forgive yourself so you could be happy again. Don’t you think?”
Of course she would. She’d stand right there and argue with me just like she used to. But forgiving myself would mean giving myself permission to move on, to be happy when I didn’t deserve it. I’d never make that mistake again. “I can’t.”
She rocked me again, her arms wrapped around me, her lips pressed to my skin. When she spoke, her voice was soft. “Have you ever told anyone about this?”
I hesitated. “Steph and my therapist knew about Iraq. But I’ve never talked to anyone about feeling responsible for her death until you.”
She let that sink in—both of us did. I’d just shared a part of me with her that I hadn’t shared with any other living soul. I wasn’t even sure why I trusted her so much, but I did. Again, I figured it had to do with her temporary presence in my life. It freed me to be my real self around her.
“I wish there was something I could do for you,” she said.
I exhaled. The truth was out. And while I didn’t exactly feel better or hopeful, I did feel less alone. I put my hands over hers on my chest. “You’re here. You’re listening. That’s something.”
“I am here. And I’m glad you told me.”
“I am too.” It was startling to realize I meant it. I hadn’t intended to reveal so much of myself, but it had been so long since I felt this kind of closeness to someone, the kind that compelled you to share your secrets.
She sighed as she leaned back again. “Want to hear something ridiculous?”
“Sure.”
“The entire reason I took the job up here was because my mother made me leave town after the scone-throwing incident.”
I craned my neck so I could see her face. “What?”
“It’s true. I had to leave town until the rumors died down.”
“Jesus. And have they?”
“Yes. She called yesterday and said I could show my face again.”
“That’s why you were going to leave yesterday, huh?”
“Yes.”
God, I was glad she hadn’t. “But you’re still here.”
“I’m still here,” she whispered.
I kissed her, felt her fingers stroking my jaw. Her lips were warm and soft and tasted like lavender, and I wanted nothing more than to live in that kiss with her forever, to trap it under glass and stay safely inside, cut off from memories that haunted me and a future that could never be.
I wanted it so badly I didn’t stay the night.
Twenty-Seven
Margot
The next morning, I walked to Pete and Georgia’s house just before ten. I hadn’t slept well, so I felt a little groggy as I made my way, but the sunshine felt good on my arms. Inhaling deeply, I hoped the fresh air would succeed in perking me up where three cups of coffee had failed. But I caught the scent of manure on the breeze, and wrinkled my nose. Was that fertilizer? Ugh, how did people who lived near farms ever get used to that smell? That’s one thing I will not miss when I go home.
But there was something I would miss—being with Jack. The last twenty-four hours had been incredible. Something had changed between us. What we shared no longer felt like a meaningless little fling. I felt close to him. Protective of him. Proud of him. Fascinated by him and how he made me feel.
I was falling for him so fast, everything around me was a blur.
It was mind-boggling. We weren’t even dating! In the past when I’d developed feelings for someone, it had taken a while. And those feelings had stemmed from times spent together enjoying common interests rather than intense physical attraction. For heaven’s sake, it had taken me six months to sleep with Tripp! And I’d never even had a one-night-stand, let alone an extended fuckfest with someone not my boyfriend. I’d never had an extended fuckfest, period!
And last night had been insane. I could still hear him telling me to act like a greedy little slut—was it terrible that it turned me on so much? How had he known that’s what I’d needed—permission to act that way with the lights on, while he watched? That’s what had made me nervous. Prior to that we’d always been in the dark, and letting that other side of me take over hadn’t seemed so daunting. I’d gotten stage fright, especially since I wasn’t that experienced with oral sex to begin with. But I’d wanted to do it for him. I wanted to make him feel good in every possible way.
