“Why am I here?” I ask to no one in particular, even though Maxine is still on the other end of the phone, crying. “Why am I wearing this?” I look down at the sparkly black party dress that shows off every inch of my thighs and costs more than it should and I feel suddenly sick. Without a second thought, I tear it over my head and Chasm overcorrects the car while simultaneously cursing at me in Korean.
“Little Sister,” he chokes out, sounding like he wants to kill me as I hijack his Whitehall Prep blazer from the back seat and shove my arms into it, buttoning as many buttons as I can with shaking hands. “Do you want to die in an accident today?”
I ignore him in favor of talking to my sister. For whatever reason, I decide to put her on speaker.
“Where are you right now? I’m having issues with my car, so I’m going to have Maxx drive me down.”
“It’s okay,” I tell her, even though it isn’t. I want to tear my hair out right now. I want to get mad at … someone. Anyone. I’m just not exactly sure who to get mad at. Tess, for being angry that she was kept from her daughter longer than she needed to be? My grandparents, for losing the child they spent a decade and a half raising? Or Saffron, the mentally ill and damaged grieving mother who stole me to fill a hole in her heart?
“Dakota, I’m not leaving you alone right now,” Maxine asserts, and I can hear that stubborn streak in her voice, the resolute ring of finality that says she’s not taking no for an answer.
“Look, I’ll be fine. This news doesn’t change anything, does it? It doesn’t change the fact that Saffron had a dead child who was named my name, who should’ve lived my life, and I’m here in … in fucking Medina of all places, living the life of some rich girl daughter to the world’s most famous author since J.K. Rowling and E.L. James.”
I’m getting hysterical here, but none of what I’ve said is a lie or an exaggeration.
“I’m getting in the car now,” Maxine tells me, but it won’t help. I won’t be able to see her unless I find a way to sneak out, but you can bet your ass Tess is going to try to talk to me as soon as I get home.
I find my way to the live feed of the show and see that it’s still happening without me: Tess versus the Banks. They don’t even need me there to fight about me.
“Listen, if you want to come, come next weekend. Chasm can pretend we have a study session together to get me out of the house.” I glance his way, but he doesn’t respond. I take that to mean yes.
“I’m taking you on a hike,” Maxine declares because, like a true PNW Native, she believes that a hike can cure anything from depression to anxiety to a sprained ankle (don’t ask me how). To be honest, I despise hikes. The only thing that sounds worse to me in this moment is spending time with Tess.
“Fine. I’ll do a hike, but only if you pick one with less people.”
I can practically hear Maxine grinning through the phone, but when she sends a request to turn our call into a video chat, I decline it. If she looks at me now, she’ll see that I have tears running down my face, even though I don’t mean to let them.
“Are you sure you’re okay? This is … I mean, I don’t even know what to think. I’ll call Grandma and Grandpa after the show is over and talk to them personally. Don’t let them turn into villains in your mind without knowing the full truth.”
“I’d never do that,” I say, because despite what happened behind the scenes, the Banks were incredible parents to me, and I don’t regret a second of our time spent together.
“We’re still sisters, no matter what,” Maxine tells me, but she doesn’t have to say it for it to be true. I already knew that. “Okay, call me later and check in?” I nod, remember that we’re not on video chat, and then sigh.
“Fine.”
“I love you fierce,” she tells me, and I can’t resist responding in turn. I know my sister won’t let this rest until she’s gotten everyone’s side of the story, thought it over, and come to her own conclusion. As for me, I just feel tired all of a sudden.
“Love you fierce,” I reply and then I hang up, but not without a shred of guilty relief flowing through me.
Even though I know Maxine isn’t at fault for any of this, I just … need a minute to myself.
