Page 42 of You for Her (The Edge of Retaliation 2)
I close my eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath.
“She was the fuckin’ world to me. My life has never been the same without her. Andrea is right, I do feel guilt. So much fuckin’ guilt. She’s gone and I can’t bring her back, I can’t relive it again, I can’t change anything. I have zero fuckin’ control. She’s gone because I wasn’t there for her.”
He’s wrong, though.
She’s gone because Chase wasn’t there for her.
“You’re wrong,” I say, my voice full of broken emotion. “It isn’t your fault that she felt like she couldn’t go on, that’s on Chase. It’s on him because he didn’t protect her, and instead of facing up to it, he ran. He is the one who has to answer for Celia’s death, not you.”
He looks up at me, and his eyes are glassy.
Oh, god.
My heart.
I can see the unshed tears behind his tough exterior, and it makes it very, very hard to hate him. So fucking hard.
I can’t stand it.
I want to pull him into my arms and tell him it’s okay. I hate seeing people feeling that level of pain. I hate it and it’s my weakness. It’s why I went after him the night he found out, because it’s not in me to watch someone suffer. I might think I’m tough, but I’m not that cruel. Seeing Tanner so upset, it hurts me. It really does.
“I should have known something was wrong.”
“People are good at hiding things when they don’t want somebody to know, you should know that better than anyone.”
He jerks back a little, like I’ve slapped him.
I feel bad for the words the moment they’ve left my mouth.
“You’re never going to get over what I did, are you?”
I look away, my eyes burning with unshed tears, too.
“You were the first person I trusted after getting out of that place. I honestly believed in you, and to know … all along that it was a lie …”
I stand.
I can’t be here.
I can’t be doing this.
Not with him.
Not after everything.
“I have to go,” I say, rushing to the door before he can say another word. “Thanks.”
I step out and close it behind me, my hands trembling, my knees weak. I quickly go to my room and hurry inside, closing and locking the door. Only then do I press my back to it and take a deep, staggering breath. My lungs burning.
“Are you okay, honey?” Jo asks, walking out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her.
“I’m so confused, Jo. So damned confused.”
“Sit,” she tells me, pointing to the bed. “I’ll get dressed and we’ll talk.”
I sit and wait for her to get dressed. When she’s done, she comes out and sits on the bed beside me. Her eyes go to my hand, “You had your hand fixed.”
“Tanner did it,” I say, looking at her, feeling stupid and idiotic.
“You were with Tanner?” she asks, confused.
“Please, don’t judge me. I’m already judging myself enough.”
“I’m not judging you, honey. Tell me what happened.”
I tell her everything, from the diner to what just happened in his room. Once I’m done, she sits in silence for a few moments, her expression that of deep thought.
“He’s opening up to you, and he’s helping you, which seems to go completely against his little comment about everything being a lie. I think Tanner is scared, and he’s confused, and he’s hurt. I don’t think he knows what he’s doing right now.”
“I know that,” I tell her, “but why can’t he just leave me alone? Why can’t he just go the hell away because he’s making me equally as confused.”
“Have you told him that?”
I nod. “Of course I have. I’ve told him to let me be.”
“You could have stood up at the diner, moved away, you could have gotten the first-aid kit out of his car and done it yourself. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself, Callie.”
I put my head in my hands and groan. “Why do you always have to point out the horribly obvious?”
She laughs. “Because I’m your best friend, it’s my job. Do you have feelings for Tanner?”
I glance at her. “I’m confused, that’s the truth. Before I found out what he was doing, yes, I had feelings. Strong feelings. I thought …”
“You thought you could love him?”
I nod. “But then I found out what he did, and everything became clouded. Since then, it has just been this mix of feeling sorry for him, and anger, and then guilt that I feel sorry for him, and so many things that I can’t make sense of my own head. Tonight, when he opened up about Celia, I almost could justify him doing what he did. Then I felt stupid for thinking that because it’s not okay what he did.”
“No,” Jo agrees. “No, it’s not okay, but for what it’s worth, I truly think Tanner believed what he was doing was right at the time. He thought you took something from him. Right now, he’s having to live with the fact that what he has believed for so long is wrong. He’s now having to face his own guilt, not to mention the nightmare of knowing what happened to his sister. He’s holding up well, but he’s in a bad place, Callie. It’s only human to feel for him. You’re not a monster.”
