Page 13 of Sweet Tooth
Now, I was done with crying. And I was done with Zane.
If he thought by just showing up that I’d welcome him with anything but the disdain he deserved, then he had another thing coming. Same went for his explanations, his reasons.
Getting over him had almost been more than I could take. No way was I letting him back in my life just so I could go through all that again.
5
Zane
Fuck, fuck, fuckedy fuck.
I stormed back into work without a look at anyone. Right then, I needed peace and quiet.
Only once I was in the EnergyPOD did I let the yell lodged in my throat out. Good thing these little pods were soundproof too. I didn’t need my office knowing that I was having the mother of all bad days. This was exactly what these things were for; a calming, comforting space that shut out the world around you temporarily as you decompressed. It was space-agey and weird to some, but it worked.
For all the times I’d played the reunion in my head, how had I never imagined that reaction from her?
Maybe because I’d never seen that kind of fierceness in her before. My Jessica had always been loving, forgiving, no matter my screw-up.
But that had been seven years ago. Could I really blame her?
A sigh escaped my throat. Of course I couldn’t. I’d let her down. Let myself down.
I’d walked out of that hospital determined and, by the next year, was even worse off. I hadn’t quit the drinking. Nope, without my Jess to cheer me up, keep me sane, I got worse. I screwed up one job after the next, although I miraculously kept taking that online business course, like the lifeline I didn’t then know it was.
I thumbed through the pictures on my phone; a habit I hadn’t been able to kick since I’d left her. That first unbearable year without her, those pictures had been what kept me going.
There we were at our favorite Starbucks, cheers-ing our hot cocoa.
Would me explaining it all to Jess now really make her understand?
How the next year, when I wanted to come for her – a year later than I’d planned, but still, I’d found out from Tamara that she was finally seriously considering the California course. I knew then if I came back, she’d never go.
In my pocket, I felt at the frog charm bracelet. It was the one I’d planned to give her the next year. By then, I had really gotten my shit together and my business was doing well enough that I could travel when I wanted for as long as I wanted. If she was willing, we could start things again, do long distance until she was done with her program.
So, I’d looked her up. I’d had to do a bit of wheedling, but I found out the apartment she lived at. While I stuffed my face at the restaurant next door, I saw her on the way to the bathroom, across the room.
She was there, more beautiful than ever, in a red dress that made me ache. Maybe it was karma, how I saw her just as she was kissing him. Just as he was putting his hand on her belly.
Her pregnant belly.
I steadied my hands on the edges of the pod, then started up some music.
I’d chosen right in letting her go; I knew I had. That the guy, with his ragged band t-shirt and smoker’s teeth didn’t deserve her, was obvious.
But I saw her face and I saw she was happy. And all me coming back into her life would do was ruin that. She was having a baby with the guy, for God’s sake.
And so, I’d done what I’d thought was best. Put my head down, got to work building my business bigger and tried to forget her.
The last picture we’d taken together that New Year’s Eve, our faces alight with love, was on my phone screen now. I zoomed in on her face, traced it with my thumb…
God, Jess. You might’ve gotten over me, but I didn’t know how to even start getting over you. If seven years hadn’t done it, then I’d never manage it.
Thumbing the button on the side of the pod, music floated in. I closed my eyes, sunk into it.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.”
I jolted up and out. And then I kept on walking.
Out of all the songs to play.
I could practically see the night now. Her and I at our high school prom. Jessica in that sparkling dress that was almost as stunning as her luminescent eyes. The way that song had played and we’d caught gazes, and I’d just known. That we were having the same thought – it was time to go.
And so, I’d swept her up in my arms and carried her out of there.
