Page 77 of First Touch

Either way, I knew I should send both of the last two emails to Joe. But I still wasn’t ready to subject Reeve to further investigation. Not yet, anyway.

Instead I forwarded both the messages to myself, and then deleted the evidence.

I was exhausted now, too drained to handle any more revelations. I closed out of Reeve’s email and clicked the icon for the solitaire game, but accidentally hit the system’s photo displayer instead. A string of pictures popped up, filling the screen, all of them featuring the same two people – Reeve and Amber. They seemed to have been taken in the backyard by the pool, one after another, so that if I flipped through them quickly, they appeared animated. In them, Amber sat on Reeve’s lap on a deck chair. Both were laughing in the first pictures, kissing in the last few. In stark contrast to the emails I’d read, they told a story of a couple that appeared very much in love.

Was it really also the tale of a man who would give her away to a murderer? It didn’t seem possible, but how many times did pictures really tell the whole story? I’d seen only that afternoon how angry Reeve could get when provoked. If he could be like that with me, there was no telling what he could have been like with her.

Whether they were honest or not, I studied the images for long minutes, trying to find a clue that something was wrong, that something was off. They were hard to look at, for many reasons. Because I missed her. Because she was happy in them. Because she’d never be happy like that again. Because the man that was the cause of her happiness in these pictures was the same man who’d sent her to her death.

Because that man had never looked at me the way he was looking at her.

It was all I could take. I shut down the photos, turned off the light, and crept back to Reeve’s bedroom. I undressed quickly, got under the sheets, and buried my face in the pillow where, finally, the dam broke and I grieved the loss of my best friend.

I awoke with a start, the room dark except for the nightlight. Reeve stood above me, wearing only his jeans, the corner of the bed sheet in his hand.

“Fuck,” I said, rubbing an eye with the butt of my hand. “I fell asleep. I’m sorry. What time is it?”

“Almost three. And don’t worry about it. Go back to sleep. I was just straightening the sheet for you.” His voice was quiet so it was hard to be sure, but I didn’t think I heard any spite in his tone.

“No, no. I’m not here to sleep. I’m here to be yours.” I needed him right now. Needed him to take control like I knew he would so I could let go completely. So I could escape. So I could forget, if even for a moment.

He smiled but it was brief and didn’t meet his eyes. Then, instead of initiating anything, he walked to the other side of the bed and started emptying his pockets on the nightstand.

I suddenly had a bad feeling about how his night had gone. “Unless you don’t need me,” I said, hinting at without saying my fear outright.

“Emily, the girls downstairs were here for my friends.” God, he could read me so easily. “I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I’ve explained my position on other women before.”

“You have. I remember. You won’t have sex with anyone else while you’re with me. I was just making sure things hadn’t changed after today.” My throat felt thick, probably from the earlier breakdown, but also because I could sense something was wrong. Besides all the other things that were wrong.

He let out a sigh and circled back to my side. “About that,” he said, perching on the edge of the bed. “There’s something I need to say. I —” He stopped abruptly, bending closer to study me. “You’ve been crying.”

I was on the verge of crying now, after the ominous speech he’d just begun and the heavy seriousness of his mood. But he was referring to the way I looked, which I imagined was like hell judging by how crusty and swollen my eyes felt. Though he hadn’t asked a question, he was waiting for an explanation. I considered making something up. I bumped into an old friend. He gave me bad news about someone we used to know.

But even in a vague form I didn’t want to share Amber’s death with him. He’d already had so much of her, so much that I hadn’t. This was mine alone and it was private.

So, at the expense of him thinking my tears had been because of him, I just nodded.

He reached his hand out to caress my face. “I didn’t want this, Emily.” And damn if my world didn’t feel turned upside down for the millionth time that day.

He dropped his hand and cleared his throat, and I waited for more words I didn’t want to hear.

“I overreacted earlier,” he said, his voice thick with remorse. “I know that. I crossed lines. Like you said, I didn’t tell you what I expected.”

What he’d said wasn’t what I thought I was going to hear. It took a beat before I figured out that he was referring to the way he’d “punished” me. It was so near to an apology from a man I was sure never gave them that I didn’t know quite how to respond. Not to mention, I didn’t want an apology for it.

I ran my tongue over my bottom lip and chose my words carefully. “No, you were right to do what you did. I should have known.”

He smiled skeptically. “How could you? You can’t read my mind, can you?” He grew serious again, avoiding eye contact. “I’ll try to remember in the future to be clearer with you up front.”

“Well, that would help, but really, I was the one who messed up, and I feel terrible for disappointing you.”

“It wasn’t disappointment that I was feeling, exactly. It was…” He looked up at me, and I thought for just a second that I could read his mind, thought that the sentence went, It was fear.

But that was silly. A man like Reeve, afraid? Of what?

He shook his head. “Anyway, sometimes I can get carried away. I don’t expect you to tolerate me like that. I want you to know that I’m trying. Trying to be more in control of myself.”

I was confused. On the one hand, he was being compassionate. It thrilled me, but it was also jarring. That wasn’t what I wanted from him. And I was pretty sure it wasn’t what he wanted either. So why was he offering it?