Page 109 of First Touch

“You have to know some things,” he insisted. “You don’t want to be shared. That’s a limit.”

“We established that together.”

“You mean if I hadn’t said it first, you would have let me give you to whoever I wanted and you wouldn’t say anything? Even if you didn’t want that?” He must have sensed my answer without me giving it because he asked, “Why would you do that?”

I stood and snatched up the lotion bottle to take it to the bathroom. “I don’t know why.” But I did, sort of, and after I grabbed my robe from the hook, I came back into the room and tried to explain. “I’d do it because you wanted me to. That’s more…” What was the word? “Satisfying, I guess. I like that better. Sometimes that’s what makes something really good, even. Because I don’t want to do it but I’m pleasing you.”

He conceded a tight smile. “And that’s what works so well between us. Because I like that too.” Then the concession was gone. “But men have gone past that. Have hurt you. Was that worth pleasing them?” When I shook my head, he said, “So you do know some things that you absolutely don’t want to explore again.”

“Okay, my limits are don’t damage me. Don’t destroy me.” I sounded exasperated because it was an exasperating subject. On the one hand, I should have boundaries, shouldn’t I? It was embarrassing to harp on the fact that I didn’t.

On the other, it seemed like do not harm should be a no-brainer. Where was the confusion in that?

“Emily, I don’t just want to do things with you because you let me.”

Dropping my towel, I slipped an arm into my robe and gave him an incredulous look.

“Okay, sometimes, yes I do.” He crossed to me and took the belt out of my hands to tie it for me. “But I… I don’t want to do something to you that you don’t at least at some level want me to do.”

I placed my hands on his chest, assuring him. “And so far you haven’t.”

His hands stayed at my hips when I wanted him to draw me closer, wanted him to wrap me up in him. “How am I supposed to know when that changes?” he asked, his brow pinched.

I inspected my nails, ragged from horseback riding and the campfire and rough sex. “I don’t know, Reeve. I’m sick. I told you.”

He pushed away from me. Gently, but pushed away all the same.

My lip quivered. “You are mad at me.”

He spun back toward me. “Yes! I am.”

“What can I do to change that?” I’d do anything. Not just because I was a pleaser, but because if we had any chance at a relationship, this would have to be resolved. “Tell me what to do.”

“Stop blaming yourself for your rape. Stop blaming yourself for your friend. Stop calling yourself sick. Stop letting men —”

I cut him off, choosing this point to defend. “I’m not ‘letting men’ anymore. I’m letting you.”

He let a beat go by and his expression transformed, easing. With the slightest hesitation he asked, “Because you trust me?”

Hope flickered in his eyes, and I understood the basis of his question. I’d said that trust was equivalent to love. He was asking if I loved him.

I twisted away from him and placed my hands on the dresser for support. “I didn’t say that.” I wanted to say that. More than anything. But it was complicated, and I was confused.

“Then you don’t trust me.” He’d come up behind me. I could feel his body heat rolling off of him, tugging at me like gravity pulling at the moon.

He deserved honesty. As much as I could give him.

I met his eyes in the mirror above the drawers. “I’m not sure you’ve opened up enough for me to know that I can for sure.”

His hands settled on my hips and he pressed in closer. “You’ve seen what I am. How I’ve been with you – that’s how I’ll always be. I won’t ever hurt you more than you like. I won’t ever do any real damage. I won’t fuck around on you. I’ll allow people to watch you and hear you, but they won’t ever get to have you.”

“Those could just be words, though.”

“If you trusted me, they wouldn’t be.” He nuzzled his chin against the top of my head. “Is it odd that I want you to so badly?”

My throat ached and my stomach knotted. “Only if it’s odd that I want to as well.”

“Then what’s stopping you? Give me your trust, Emily.” His hands circled my waist and he laid kisses on my neck.