Page 77 of The Game Plan

His mouth grazes mine. Lips barely touching as his eyes seek out my permission. I don’t give him the same courtesy, as I press my lips to his. Firm. Still. Until eventually, his hand comes up to the nape of my neck, his lips part and capture mine in a way that’s slow but intentional. Fiercely passionate yet gentle.

And I remember. I remember his kiss and the wild way we grappled for each other, tearing at each other’s clothes in the chapel. The desire, the rush. It was real.

But this… This is what a first kiss should feel like. As if my head is going to explode. Like my chest is going to burst open. As if my entire body could be pressed against his and it would never be close enough.

We pull away, both smiling, and he nips my lip in his teeth, right before the beat drops into the music and Jax picks me up, twirling us both around the dance floor. Tomorrow is uncertain but right now feels pretty damn good.

I guess this is what Tolstoy meant. Be present. Love in the moment. Because I am nowhere other than in Jax’s arms, despite all the noise around what our relationship isn’t, having the time of my life.

When he sets my feet back down to the floor, we’re swarmed by Tray, Amelie, TJ, Sas and Lauren, who seemingly all want in on the party.

That’s Jax, I realize. He isn’t the guy who can’t take life seriously. He’s the fun. The place to be. The person I want to spend my time with. Just like our friends and family, too.

31

OCTOBER

Jax

What Am I Doing?

Our group are some of the last to leave the gala. Usually, I come to these things and one of two things happens. One, I’ll do the meet and greet stuff, then get pretty wasted with the guys and wind up at a bar to get more wasted and pick up girls. Two, I do my job, get bored and sneak out early.

Tonight is something between the two. I’m not nearly drunk but I’ve had the best time hanging out with Sienna, our friends, even my family.

And I’m leaving with the girl. In fact, I’m nervous as hell to be leaving with the girl. As if this is the first time I’ve desperately wanted to take someone home and I’m not confident what’s going to happen, or what she’s thinking or feeling, what she wants.

We’re standing on the sidewalk outside the hotel, at the bottom of the red carpet, where cars are being called to pick up at the door one at a time, marshaled by the hotel’s concierge, and I’m fidgety. Uncertain. And I think that might be because Sienna isn’t some girl, a girl; she might be the girl, woman, who I want for so much more than one night.

I wave off Mom and Dad in their car. I hugged my mom, then offered my old man my hand to shake, like we typically do. But tonight, he pulled me into his chest, held me for a few seconds, as if he was trying to tell me something, then he thumped me on the back and never looked back as he got in the car.

Weird. Something in our relationship shifted tonight. Nothing seismic but something. I can’t remember a time Dad has stuck up for me or taken my side in an argument but tonight, even though he thinks my marriage is shotgun or a sham, he backed me and Sienna.

I turn to her now, where she’s nowhere close to as drunk as she was in Las Vegas, from what I remember, but she’s uninhibited by comparison to her usual self. I was so fucking proud of her for standing up to her ex. I’m not a therapist, though I like to consider a philosopher as something like one – Jax Aristotle Aurelius Harris – and I’d say Sienna needed to see Carl in all his godawful glory tonight. Catharsis or something like it.

That showdown came and went and we danced as if it never happened. But one thing did happen. One thing I can’t and won’t ever move on from.

That kiss.

There was nothing fake or convenient or accidental about it. I kissed her because I am completely gone for her and unless I’m truly incapable of reading signals, there was more than simply her showing Carl that she’s moved on in the way she kissed me, too.

It felt like the dance floor spun beneath my feet and I don’t believe nothing happened for her. The question is, what did she feel and how much?

Honestly, I’m fucking terrified of the answer.

Maybe she likes me. Then what? Is this it? Us, forever? We never tell anyone the truth and continue in our marriage?

Maybe she doesn’t like me enough. If that’s true, where does it leave me?

Do I make a move? Risk getting my heart broken? What if I’m not even capable of being a husband? This would be my first and last relationship.

A car pulls up for Sas and TJ, the last of our group. I’ve already said goodbye and I’ll see TJ in a few hours for morning skate, so he nods my way.

Sas is drunk as she points at me and playfully scowls – if it wasn’t for the glint in her eyes, her bare feet and heels in her hand are a dead giveaway. Even after a skinful of champagne, she’ll never let on that she loves me in front of other people. It’s almost her way of telling me she does.

She tugs Sienna to her, almost pulling her over – who, for the record, is still wearing her heels like a trooper after hours of dancing. The Dragons need to sign her to the roster, rather than the Comms team. My girl’s got stamina.

My girl.