Page 97 of Almost Not Quite Engaged

Liesel said, and I’m quoting her directly, “You are an idiot and I’m not rescheduling anything. Do your job or I will. You’re unhinged so if you have to do this, go put yourself back together or bring her on the road.” She added, “And this is exactly the person you’re supposed to be. The urgency, the way your soul feels, that thing you’re doing with your face. The smiling when the camera isn’t on that’s my friend. Don’t fuck this up.”

Which is the idea rolling around in my head because of what my producers said. If she’ll come, I want her with me and that’s not a text, FaceTime or blog conversation.

Bill said nothing he just filmed me leaving.

I drive straight from Logan, where my car is in long term parking, to Rhinebeck. Four hours. I stop once for gas and a coffee that tastes like a burnt paper cup and drink the whole fucking thing. I have no plan. I’m crazed but have never operated better than when I have no plan, and I’m aware that isn’t universally true but it is true enough I keep doing it.

Skipper is in Ben and Courtney’s driveway. I bang on the RV door. Nothing. I knock on the house. Nothing. Ben’s truck is gone.

ZANE: Hey man. Are you or Courtney around? I need to find your sister-in-law.

BEN: Delivering a custom piece in Vermont and Court’s out of town. No clue where Kat is to be honest. Sorry I missed you. Are you back?

ZANE: Just for the night. Be back again in like five weeks or so. Thanks. Sorry I missed you as well.

I stand on the porch like a moron for a minute and then get back in my car and go to the only place that makes sense.

The Little Bird Pub is doing good business for a Tuesday afternoon. I’ve been in hotel bars for too long and forgot what a real room felt like. One created and crafted for the man smirking at me when he sees me then stops short and looks around the room rapidly. His face gives three expressions in quick succession and settles on careful. I’ve known him since we were in diapers, there’s no way he’s not hiding something from me.

“Oh. No. You’re here.” It is not a question.

“I need to talk to Kat. Where is she?”

He picks up a bar towel and puts it over his shoulder. He looks at me for a long moment. “I can honestly tell you I have no idea specifically where she is.”

“Then give me a general indication or a roundabout direction.” He gives me a big hug and I return it.

“Good to see you. Damn. Welcome home.”

I glare at him, “You’re changing the subject and my nipples are tingling something is amiss.”

“My brother,” he exhales, “relax your tits. But you should know, even though you’re currently making a mockery of it, the covenant of marriage is a serious thing. And please leave your nipples out of this.”

“You’re saying your loyalty to her supersedes me? What is happening right now? Let me talk to Ginny.”

He nods slowly then rapidly. “Yeah. You should do that. That is a brilliant idea that gets me off the hook...” he pauses, “…I love you beyond space and time but that woman owns my soul and my balls and I am very fond of both. Go to her gallery.” He looks at me urgently. Like I should go now.

“What hook? Why am I going to the gallery? Ginny’s there? Is Kat? You’re cagey as fuck right now.”

He leans on the bar and talks out of the side of his mouth like it’s a secret in a sitcom. “Go to the bathroom.”

I stare at him like he’s having an episode of some kind. “I don’t have to but thanks for checking in.”

He talks again. “Just go to the bathroom. At the gallery.”

I cock my head to the side.

From somewhere in the back, Delilah’s voice cuts through the ambient noise like a blade. “For fuck’s sake. Pretend we’re all on an NDA and just go pretend to piss. Just fucking go.”

“Dinner?” I say.

“I’ll be here, after you go to the damn bathroom.” He refolds the bar towel. “Come back if you want to. But I have a hunch you won’t want to. And I’m sorry. I love you.”

Delilah, his second in charge, yells, “Get the fuck out of here. And stop treating him like a baby, he’ll be fine, he’s a big boy, aren’t ya?” Her lip rings bouncing as she says this and slaps my face.

I grab my dick and say, “I am a big boy. Hold tight there.”

“Never gonna want to hold that thing at all.” She grabs her crotch and says, “Besides, mine’s bigger.”