Page 90 of Almost Not Quite Engaged

Subject: Things I hope I’m brave enough to say

I’m not proud of myself. My mom is a constant annoyance and I didn’t need yours too. Shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I had an amazing day and night and I can’t share it with you. India is a bit life-changing. And I’m ready to change.

The line between fantasy and reality is fuzzier, not more precise, as we blog. My favorite thing you’ve written to me was, “You live on the edge of my memory.” Because you do for me as well. The blog’s a storybook right now. Fighting with you makes you more real, but because of the distance, it’s all disjointed, and miscommunication runs rampant. Are you happy? I think I see it now. I hope you’re there when I leap headfirst into it. I know the worst of you, I think, and I still find myself writing this message. Still wanting you and not just your naughty bits.

Kat

I tuck myself in without saying goodnight. My phone lights up with a notification. I ignore it.

Chapter 43

I’m An Ass

ZANE

Cardiff

I slide my pint back and forth between my hands. The Blue Bell pub is lively tonight with Cardiff taking turns screaming at the television and each other. I like it here, it’s a life I could get behind and has nothing to do with drinking. I like a pint but the life that exists with such passion and exuberance demands to be seen.

We filmed all day and I avoided reading her blog post again. I did download that picture. I know it was to piss me off but she looked hot. I scrub my face. I miss her, and I don’t want to but there it is. Fucking so angry at her and at the height of hating her I realized how much time and energy I was putting into maintaining my anger. Enough that it mattered. She mattered. Fucking hell I hate feeling this ick. That I’ve hurt her in some way. In the middle of us hate writing to each other, something shifted without my permission.

Cardiff - The Blue Bell (fav pub)

K

I don’t know which multiverse you come from or where to put you. There’s the you from Hawaii and the drunk from Vegas. The annoying gnat from the rest of our relationship and there’s the you from today right now. The one I don’t have close enough to fight with or explain myself. Or hear your tone of voice or see your face.

I’m an ass. I’m sorry. And btw you’re an ass too.

Xo

Z

That’s enough for tonight for public consumption, but the more I think about her the more I realize she’s woven into my soul. Dammit. I really miss her. I want to hold her. And fuck and fight. My fingers itch. It’s something I have to get off my chest because it’s becoming a problem. It invades every moment of my day and it’s time to exorcise it.

“Hey man, do you have any paper?”

He opens a small drawer proudly and pulls out actual stationery. I laugh and take a small stack and retreat to my corner table with a fresh pint. What I have to say might take a couple of pints. She won’t ever read it but I need to say it, at least on paper. I’m her ticket to do whatever the hell she’s doing right now. I don’t know if she feels the same way because the blog is stilted and stuffed with logistics or clever remarks that say fucking nothing.

I sip and begin to write.

Pints appear without me asking and thoughts pour out of me, redefining what I want and who I think I want to be in the world and it all stems from that damn redhead I’m supposed to be “fake” liking.

I sit back and tuck three pieces of stationery into the yellow padded envelope in my bag. I stroll over to the bar and lean on it chatting with some locals. I need someone else to talk for a while. I eat a meat pie and decide it’s time to go.

Zane

Agree.

I am also an ass.

Let’s not let them ruin one more minute of one more day. Let them spin out. Not spin us around.

xoxo

Kat

My heart eases a little. I take my fork and when the bartender is turned I carve ZJ + KT in the bar. I snap a picture I’ll never send. And add one more random note on the last sheet of paper.