Page 76 of Almost Not Quite Engaged
Too little?
The power of immediacy and intimacy freaks me out, and I pop up from the little table and smack my forehead on the cabinet.
I grab some ice and hold it on my head while I drive to Falling Waters. I’m craving the stillness of the woods. I realize I don’t have much to say. Maybe I’ve never really had much to say but just keep blathering nonsense.
I snap a messy picture of me at the trail head. I sit on a rock and begin to write to him about my actual day. Not snippets of the day like the blog. I’ll never send this to him. I have 100s of emails in draft telling people to fuck off or telling people how I really felt about a situation, that never get sent.
From:[email protected]
Subject: things I hope to be brave enough to say one day.
John/Zane/Asshole/Squire
Hi. Just going to put down a few thoughts. I don’t like thinking about you all the fucking time. It’s annoying, much like you at your best. There’s this trail in this park and I’ve been on it a ton of times. Day camp, fourth grade school picnic, Girl Scouts, hook up spots, but I never truly wanted to share it with anyone. Like I want to tell you the best route to the waterfall or the best view. Or where my favorite tree is and where’s the spot I take a pee outside. All things no one knows except me. People know pieces and parts of it but the whole history of each time I walk this way, I really want to tell you. But for now, I’m going to take some pictures.
Which I’m currently selling in Ginny’s bathroom! It’s a whole thing but needless to say, Hawaii is very popular and selling well. I won’t tell you these things because I’m pretty sure you don’t need or want them. But they’ll live in my Draft folder if you need them.
-Kat/Kaiser/Katydid/Harpy
I tuck away my phone and Zane, pull down the brim of his hat and set out to learn more about my camera.
I can’t wait to see freaking India.
Hi.
Falling Waters Preserve
Z
Glad you’re not dead. You’re not too much.
Or your too much goes with my too much. Let’s be extra together.
K
(PS I may not know who I am yet, but I know I’m not Aggie.)
Chapter 36
World Cup Is Full
ZANE
Seychelles Islands
I’m feeling less and less ready to spring into Zane Unleashed as we pull into the Beach Shak bar in Mahé. Ironically, that mask has more in common with who I am around my parents. It’s a show, a facade to keep everyone around me happy. Writing to Kat makes me feel more of the man I want to be and less of the man I have to be.
I greet the owner and bartenders, smile and see their pre-made cocktails. Bill gets B-roll footage. I stand up on the dais with the band and sway back and forth pretending to dance with my drink. There are laughs, and Bill signals he got what he needs.
I wander out to the patio and slip my shoes off to stand in the sand. I’ve become this raging sap over a woman that’s not even supposed to be in my life. I’m terrified she’s only tolerating me.
It’s like all the parts of me fell and got put back together wrong. It’s like I don’t fit the life I’ve carved out for myself. I walk out onto the warm sand with my shoes in hand and end up in the middle of a soccer game on the beach. Kids running and screaming. The ball flomps in front of me and I kick it lightly. It goes nowhere but flops over to the other deflated side. Kids howl and I lift it up with my foot and flip it back toward them as they cheer.
Absolute joy in a deflated, kind of decrepit soccer ball. I put up a hand to the group of men sitting on fallen logs in a semicircle watching the boys and three girls. They wave back and smile.
ZANE: I need at least two soccer balls. New. Right now.
