Page 52 of Almost Not Quite Engaged

I turn and face him. I take a quick picture of him and he puts his hand up. “I get it. Girls in that situation usually shave our heads or dress slutty, then use food, shoes, or the pole to fill the void of approval. IG followers help fill the void as well.”

“My way seems easier.” He pulls his t-shirt down and sips from his bottle.

“My parents don’t believe in trusts. They set aside big deposits of money for milestones for each of us. Graduations, tuition, weddings and I recently learned my future children are set because they gave Porter’s kid a chunk of cash when that kid got baptized. They would give me money if I asked, but I won’t.”

I start walking up the hill towards the lookout and he follows. He hands me a banana, and I take a big bite.

His voice is a little cracked, “Can you just eat that banana right, please?”

His eyes glaze a bit. I put what’s left in my mouth and then pull it out slowly.

“Stop.” I grin as I finish it.

He shakes his head and his eyes refocus. It’s nice to know I have that power over him. “But aren’t you still avoiding them, lying to them, and getting nothing in return? I figure mine owe me all the moments spent on their plans.” His tone is flat.

“I don’t want their worry or judgment. I’m exhausted from them trying to solve everything in my life from how to buy a car to how to leverage my job into a better one. I got it. And if I don’t that’s for me to fucking learn.”

“Jesus. You’re so right.”

“I’ve stopped telling them things. And so that’s what makes you-” I gesture to the ring. “-and this plausible. Because I pulled back and strategically let them in on my life so they can’t keep telling me what and how I should do things. She can plan the shit out of a wedding using her good judgment and ideas she’ll pretend are mine because that wedding is never happening.”

“Do they know you’re unemployed?”

“Not yet.”

“Are you going to tell them?”

“Why? It’s easy enough to pretend I still have the job. I don’t need antiquated advice on networking or the proper resume.”

He finishes my thought, “Or meeting Mr. so and so who used to coach your little league team who wants to talk about your options. Or having coffee with their friend who used to be a headhunter because it might help.”

“Exactly.”

We take a right deep into the tree cover and head back toward the coast. There’s a waterfall near the edge of the cliffs that flows into a small creek along what seems like the edge of the world and back into the ocean. I capture it and think about the water falling back into the anonymous ocean.

I sit at the edge and stare out. I tuck the camera away in its case off to the side of me and carefully put the flowers into the side pocket. Then I slide over to a rock perched on the edge so I can watch the waterfall.

Someday, probably at Zane’s wedding, sitting with Ginny, Colin and their kids, I’ll tell his bride how Zane saved my life. That he truly was my spirit animal in my vision quest. I bet she’ll be stunning. I bet she’ll have her shit together too. Guilt pulls my strings for a second as I think of our parents. Then I look at the view, time to compartmentalize. Look at the pretty now, guilt later.

“I’m jealous.” It tumbles out of my head then out of my mouth before I can think better of it.

“Of what? My fabulous hair, debonair style or how witty I can be after too much whiskey?”

“All to be honest.”

He scoots a little closer and our thighs are touching. I glance over and he’s already looking at me. I almost moan when he moves a hair behind my ear. That’s the most intimate thing that’s happened to me in years.

“Jealous of what?” he asks again. I have to defuse this situation for our own sanity. I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t want him to know I’m jealous he gets to see the world on his own terms. No, I’ll keep that to myself for a minute. He’s a means to an end, not the end.

“Of what an asshole you are.” I smile and look back out at the ocean. From my peripheral I see him unscrew his water bottle, he removes my hat then proceeds to dump his water over my head.

I shriek because it’s cold then shiver and ignore him. He smiles as he looks up. I stand up and remove my shirt down to my sports bra. His eyes getting wide and flirty. Then I lift his arms and pull off his Wilco T-shirt. I put it on then put my wet shirt on him. It’s tight and we can’t stop laughing. But he lets it all happen.

I suppose I should too.

Chapter 25

Charade