Page 374 of Face Off

When the hotel-room door closed, I turned her around, stripped off what I needed to remove, and fucked her over the back of the couch from behind.

My throat closes, but I keep writing.

I cried.

She was the first woman I had slept with after you. I kept my eyes closed, didn’t care whether she got off, and didn’t care if she left believing I was the worst lay of her life.

I never spoke Spanish.

I did come. I can’t control what I sound like, and I had never considered that until you wrote about it, but I wish I could tell you I remained silent if that would make this hurt less.

My hand was never at the small of her back.

I couldn’t tell you what her kiss tasted like because I barely kissed her. What happened between us was almost transactional, except neither of us realized until afterward that we had each entered the room trying to erase someone else.

I didn’t stay in bed with her.

I sat on the couch, showed her a photograph of you, and apologized for using her.

Temple told me her boyfriend had cheated on her two weeks earlier. She wanted me to become a line between the humiliation he gave her and whatever came next. She wanted a buffer capable of wiping the slate clean.

Neither of us received what we asked for.

We became friends afterward.

I am telling you this much because I need two things to remain clear. Fucking Temple meant nothing to me, but Temple doesn’t mean nothing. She is my friend, and she doesn’t deserve to become the villain in a story where neither of us betrayed you.

Temple is extraordinary, Charm. She deserves the world.

When Rider met her, I hoped something might happen because I saw a spark and knew he would treat her well.

A small amount of confidential information belongs here. I think something might be happening between her and Briggs now. Tell nobody. I have no proof beyond suspicious behavior, frequent phone use, and Briggs smiling at messages while pretending he isn’t.

I hope I’m right.

He deserves someone like Temple, and she sure as fuck deserves someone like him.

I pause again, remembering Briggs smiling down at his phone inside the locker room before turning the screen away when I walked past.

If I am wrong, Charm will enjoy telling me.

If I am right, she will begin planning a wedding before either of them admits they have kissed.

I continue.

I understand what your mind created when you learned about us.

If someone told me you had been with another man and described him seeing your body, tasting your mouth, or hearing the sounds you make when you come, I would want to go through a wall. Knowing I had no claim on you wouldn’t prevent the jealousy from making me violent inside my own head.

I don’t know whether I would have handled it any better than you did.

That isn’t permission for what you said to me that night. It means I understand the agony beneath it now that you have told me the truth.

You were allowed to hurt.

You weren’t allowed to make me guilty for surviving a life where you were no longer mine.

I believe you understand the difference now.