Page 369 of Face Off

The woman who once promised me anything if it prevented me from leaving has finally trusted me with an answer that might disappoint me.

She said no to the call.

She also said yes to allowing me to know why.

Near sunrise, I take out a clean sheet of paper.

Charm,

You told me I would hear your voice again.

That is enough for tonight.

I won’t pretend the rest of your letter was easy to read. I am angry that you can look back and recognize things I needed you to see while they were happening. I am angry that you knew enough about your father to fear choosing me but refused to examine what made him believe I was beneath you.

Your honesty doesn’t erase Thanksgiving or the study.

It does mean I finally believe you understand what happened inside those rooms.

What you wrote about my mother broke something open in me. I don’t know how to explain that yet. I might never know how.

Nobody has ever told me she saw the man I became.

I have spent most of my life surviving as though needing her would prove I hadn’t learned how to live without her. You reminded me that surviving her absence never meant I stopped being her son.

Thank you for giving me that.

I understand what you are saying about Temple. Your jealousy wasn’t a betrayal, but the way you used it against me was cruel. I also understand the difference between those things now.

For reasons I intend to examine later, your threat involving another woman’s tongue did not discourage me.

You remain terrifying.

Your disclosures regarding pizza require further investigation because olives are indefensible. Briggs agrees, which means this opinion has been independently verified.

I hear everything else too.

I hear that recovery will remain part of your life. I hear that loving you could mean changing plans, preparing for things other couples might enter without thinking, and accepting that some experiences will cost you more.

You aren’t asking me to manage your health.

You are asking whether I could build a life that protects room for it.

I don’t know what our answer is yet, but none of what you wrote made me want that life less.

It made the life real.

Take the time you need before you call. I won’t use your fear against you when admitting it is proof that you are finally trusting me with the truth.

I can wait for your voice.

I heard you anyway.

Ryan

I read it twice before folding the page.

The sun begins climbing beyond the windows while I slide it into an envelope. My apartment remains quiet, but the silence has changed.