Page 339 of Face Off

“That isn’t the same as understanding why I keep hurting Ryan.”

Neither of them rushes to defend me. I appreciate that more than reassurance.

“I thought recovery meant becoming a healthy version of the person I already was,” I tell them. “I stopped starving myself. I learned how to recognize panic, set boundaries, and understand what my parents did to me. Then I polished that woman until she became another image I had to maintain.”

Aura nods slowly. “Healthy Charm.”

“Respectful Charm. Emotionally intelligent Charm. The woman who uses the correct language while still trying to control how everyone sees her.” I rest my container on the coffee table. “Ryan was right. I don’t become disloyal because I don’t love people. I become disloyal because fear convinces me controlling the outcome matters more than protecting them.”

Bliss’s eyes remain on mine. “What happens now?”

“I stop confusing honesty with cruelty and boundaries with avoidance. I apologize when I hurt someone. I stop apologizing when someone is merely unhappy with my choices.”

“That sounds annoyingly reasonable,” Aura says.

“The week didn’t begin that way.”

“You verbally assaulted a maître d’,” Bliss reminds me.

“He survived.”

“He gave us free dessert because he feared you.”

“That suited me.”

They laugh, and I do too.

Later, after they leave, I sit on the living-room floor and open the voice recording from seven nights ago. Drunk Charm asks questions. Drunk Charm answers without protecting herself from the truth and declares war on performing with the confidence of a woman who could barely lift her vodka without spilling it.

I listen until she reaches the most important question.

What do you want?

Ryan.

That answer hasn’t changed.

The reason I want him has.

I don’t need Ryan to prove I am lovable, healed, worthy, or different from the woman he left. I want him because he is Ryan. His boundaries, anger, history, distrust, ruthless honesty, terrible cooking, battered books, insane sex drive and every part of him that will never exist for the purpose of making me feel safe.

Loving him means protecting those parts even when they deny me what I want.

I open a new recording.

“What did Ryan ask you to do?” I ask.

My answer comes without hesitation.

“Fight for him.”

For the first time in seven weeks, I understand where to begin.

27

Charm

Three months later, I stand inside an expensive boutique outside Saginaw while a sales associate attempts to sell me the same ugly dress for the fourth time.