Page 90 of Familiar Things New

“You’re not the only one with bedroom troubles.”

“Have you and Andrew not—”

“It’s complicated,” Edwin said. “We’ve been intimate, in a way, but I haven’t let him . . .” Dammit, this was embarrassing. Edwin’s cheeks began to burn, but he forced himself to continue. “I haven’t let him see me. Or touch me. I haven’t even let him know that my body isn’t . . . the way he’ll expect it to be.”

“Are you worried he won’t like it?”

“Yes, that’s part of it,” Edwin said. “I’m . . . worried that he won’t see me as a man anymore, either.”

“But I do. I mean, I knew you when you wore corsets, and I still see you as a man.”

Warmth bloomed in Edwin’s chest.

“I know you do,” he said. “And it’ll never not amaze me a little. But Andrew might not feel the same way.” Edwin took a pause and began picking at the skin around his fingernails. “Initially, when I first started to like Andrew, I was worried that he might . . . harm me somehow, if I told him. Either physically or socially. Or both. But now that I know him better, I’m confident that he wouldn’t. Because Andrew is . . . well, he’s a sweetheart.”

“Are you thinking about telling him, then?”

“I am,” Edwin said. His smile faltered. “I want to tell him. Really, I do. But I’m . . . afraid.”

“Because he might break your heart.”

Edwin swallowed thickly and nodded.

“I’m falling in love with him, Will. Or maybe I already am in love with him,” Edwin said. “I think I might be. And I . . . dammit, I want him to love me back.”

“I think he does,” William said with a smile. “Andrew and I write to each other. And he always mentions you. Always. ‘Edwin is so smart. Edwin is so kind. Edwin is so funny. Edwin took the best photograph today. Edwin, Edwin, Edwin.’” He chuckled. “And you thought I wouldn’t know about you two.”

Edwin pressed his lips together to try to temper his smile, though his stomach still fluttered from the thought of Andrew mentioning him in his letters.

William nudged Edwin with his knee.

“Give him a chance to love you. All of you.” William threw Edwin a smirk. “And then he can make his own choices about his future, too, hm?”

Edwin let out a half-scoff, half-laugh and scrunched up his nose. “I hate how right you are.”

“But you had to have known that I would be. After all, I always am.”

“Uh-huh. And how were you right about marrying your cousin, exactly?”

“Shhh,” William tried to cup a hand over Edwin’s mouth as Edwin had done to him earlier, but Edwin caught William’s wrist before he could.

Both of them laughed. Edwin released William’s wrist and then crossed his legs, his brow furrowing as he thought about what William had said regarding Andrew.

“Do you really think he’ll still want me?” Edwin asked.

“Yes, Edwin, I really do,” William replied.

“And what if you’re wrong? What if he doesn’t want me? And then you finally talk to Agnes? And you two decide you want to get married? Where does that leave me? I won’t be able to make enough money as a nurseryman for me to move out. And I won’t be able to work with Andrew, either, then. Do you think you could help me find something else? Some other job here at the estate where I can stay relatively invisible to your parents? Or maybe you can help me find something else in Albany?”

“I could,” William said. “Or we could tell my parents about you.”

Fear clawed at Edwin’s insides, and he made a face. William patted his knee.

“One thing at a time,” he said. “I still need to muster up the courage to talk to Agnes.”

Edwin managed to smile, William’s reminder calming him a little.

“I hope you do,” Edwin said warmly before blowing out a breath. “And I still have to muster up the courage to talk to Andrew.”