Page 36 of What Rough Beast

That’s going to take me a second. I’m pretty sure I was crying on the toilet just a little bit ago, and I definitely cried in the shower last week. But in public?

averageamericanmale: Probably my grandpa’s funeral in fourth grade

burnedoutgirl: If I held it in like that I’d just become an abscess of tears

averageamericanmale: I cry all the time, but you specifically asked about in public. Also “abscess of tears.” Damn, girl.

burnedoutgirl: Well, I’m around abscesses a lot.

burnedoutgirl: I’m sorry you have to always be strong.

averageamericanmale: I’m sorry you have to always be sexy.

Carrie Hollern had sent me something imperfect, choosing the wrong pic off her camera roll. What I got was a girl with no shirt on looking confused—face lopsided, brow furrowed, tongue sticking out. She immediately texted me, Omg delete that was trying to change the filter accidentally snapped a pic. Followed by Please delete, seriously, and three minutes later, Did you delete it? She even ran me down in school the next day, asked me to show her my camera roll. I did—carefully. Carrie had been so relieved the pic was gone she hugged me. I offered to delete the other one she sent, but she said it was fine.

“So, you’re okay with me having the final shot but not the practice round?” I’d asked.

“Micah,” she’d said, putting her hands on both my shoulders. “There is nothing more pathetic than a girl trying to be sexy and failing.”

burnedoutgirl: Honestly having to always be anything sounds horrible.

averageamericanmale: Having to always be strong while simultaneously always being scared is the worst, speaking from experience.

burnedoutgirl: What are you scared of right now?

I can’t tell her the truth—any of them. But I can share what would be my answer on just about any given day.

averageamericanmale: I don’t know. I just know something is wrong.

There’s not a response for a couple of minutes, and I’m expecting a paragraph, but what I get is two simple words.

burnedoutgirl: Me too.

averageamericanmale: Any ideas what it is?

averageamericanmale: I’m a man please tell me your problems so that I can fix them and feel validated.

burnedoutgirl: Ha, no . . . it’s like you. Something is wrong and I don’t know how to figure out what it is.

averageamericanmale: My process is I lose all my shit and take notes about how to avoid completely implausible things

averageamericanmale: Like how to survive a tsunami when I live in a landlocked state

averageamericanmale: Because freaking out makes me feel safe

burnedoutgirl: I guess my process is ignore all warning signs at my own peril

burnedoutgirl: Because feeling nothing makes me feel safe.

averageamericanmale: I feel too much and have to hide it.

burnedoutgirl: I don’t feel anything and have to pretend that I do.

averageamericanmale: No one told me being a human would be this hard.

burnedoutgirl: Same. Does everybody feel this way?

averageamericanmale: I don’t know. You’re the only person I talk to.