Page 20 of Sing For Us

He could teach you how to play with knives.

I drown out the voice that’s telling me to think about him. My left eye starts twitching, and the grip on my dagger tightens. Lionel coughs and the haze of false indifference is lifted. I nod at him; a silent confirmation that I am about to start. The first dagger lands perfectly on the side of his right ear and the next one by his left ear. Two more daggers are left, and my eyes are looking for a spot near his body that I haven’t tried to throw one at.

“You haven’t tried the spot right above my head.” I haven’t, but that’s for a reason. Precision and calculation control my life, but this is dangerous estimation. This particular motion of throwing I have executed on a doll, and the plastic top of the doll was decapitated.

“Let me try it somewhere else first. Something a little less invasive.” I suggest, and Lionel nods in agreement. The dagger in my left hand flies through the air and lodges itself into the board right by his left knee—only two centimeters from the spot where I could make him bleed. Lionel claps his hands to congratulate me, but I don’t need him to patronize me.

“Lana, you can do this. Take a deep breath and count to three, then throw.” He starts again with that bullshit of counting to three, but it doesn’t work. It never did. Suppressing your emotions is a sign of weakness to me, and I was dying to let all of mine air out. And I owe it all to Noa.

Every time I think about Noa, my body reacts. It can tense up, but in moments like these, it relaxes in a weird fucking way. Right when I think I need to learn something or acquire a new skill, my thoughts are fixated on him because I know that he could teach me.

In an act of utter defiance, I throw the dagger on the floor, and it clatters.

“We are done for the day.” My hands are planted onto the table behind me, and I don’t dare to look at Lionel. My employees cannot see that I have let my emotions take over me. They cannot know that I can be a human with flaws as well.

“Lana-”

“Lionel”–I warn him as he steps closer to me–“if you even think about blinking once more in my direction, I’ll kill you myself.”

“Apologies.”

“Go. You are relieved of your duties.” Lionel is not questioning me, and is off to do whatever he needs to do. I go and sit on the bench and try to breathe through my nose. Whoever said that counting to ten works is an idiot. What does help me is thinking about my parents and that one summer in Isola Dell’Amore. I don’t remember much from when I was a kid, as anybody does, but I do remember spending one amazing summer on that small island in Italy. My summers were always spent in various places, but I seldom spent them with other kids or teenagers.

Sure, I played with kids at school, but in our private lives? That shit was off-limits. My parents were afraid of making connections due to their jobs. They didn’t want to bring my life in danger. But one summer, we went to Isola Dell’Amore, and they let me play with this one kid. I don’t remember much about him, but I know it was the best summer ever. I had some problems with speech and socializing, so my parents told me they had a surprise for me…

20 years ago

Mommy and daddy brought me to this magical place, but I don’t know what I am doing here. They told me that we are not going to Disneyland, but somewhere even better. The trees are so pretty, and I can’t wait to swim in the water. The lake is so big.

“Ma-ma-ma!” I call out to my mama. She comes running to my side and puts her hand on my shoulder by crouching down next to me.

“What is it, sweetheart?” she asks me. I point to the water and start jumping up and down.

“When can I go? Is this the-the surprise?” She strokes my hair and smiles.

“Yes and no. We have one more surprise. Remember how mommy and daddy promised you that a friend of ours is bringing her son here?” I nod enthusiastically. “Well, they have arrived. Want to meet them?” I am up and running towards the front of the big house. My daddy is opening the door, and a woman is walking in with her son. He is taller and older than me. But does he want to play with me? He is so big and probably goes to high school.

I stop running and wait for my mama. She comes and holds me by the hand. “Ljubavi, he won’t hurt you. And me and daddy will be here. If you need anything during this trip, let us know.”

“O-okay.” I always run to kids who might become friends, but then I freeze. I am so afraid that someone might make fun of how I talk sometimes. But I trust my mommy. The boy and I walk towards each other, and we awkwardly shake hands.

“Hi, I am Lana. Who are y-you? I-I-I am sorry for my stuttering.” The boy gives me a nice smile and puts his hands in his pockets.

“Don’t worry. Being weird means that you are cool.”

His mom swats him on his arm. “Don’t say that, sweetheart. I promise he is good with kids.”

“It’s okay,” I tell his mom while I giggle. Nobody has ever told me that I am cool, and I am immediately at ease. I grab his hand and run with him to our backyard, where you can see the big lakes.

“Are we going to swim in the l-l-l-” I am so happy to have a friend who doesn’t laugh at me finally, and I stutter. Mommy says that the nice doctor is going to help me get over this. Ugh! I can’t wait!

“Take your time with your words. Weirdo.” My new friend says to me. I giggle again.

“Are we going to swim in the lake later?”

“We definitely will, weirdo.” I like that nickname.

“I can’t wait to play with you.”