Page 91 of Deacon

Ana sat on the sofa, her injured leg propped on a cushion.

She stared towards the terrace as she sipped a glass of chilled Verdejo.

‘Raff is growing so much this summer, D,’ she murmured, breaking the silence.

‘He has.’

I sank into an armchair after pouring myself a goblet of wine.

Glancing her way, my heart jolted when the amber candlelight caught the soft edge of her jaw.

‘He’s matching my stride now. Another year or two, and the kid’s going to be raiding my closet. He’s going to be tall, too. Perhaps even taller than me.’

‘Our angel never had a chance to grow.’

The moment the words left Ana’s lips, she slipped a hand over her mouth.

I turned towards her, shutting my eyes for a second at the agony in her gaze, the buried grief exposed.

Ana shifted, drawing in a ragged breath.

‘We never talk about Estella,’ she whispered. ‘Why don’t we ever speak about her?’

The dam broke, and tears spilled from her eyes.

‘Why?’

This time, her cry was agonizing, ripped through with distress.

Fuck.

I set my glass aside, rose, and crossed the room in two long strides, dropping to my knees before her.

Without a second thought, I gathered her against my chest.

Ana went limp in my arms, burying her face in the crook of my neck.

A violent shudder wrecked her body.

Then she sobbed, a sound so primal it made my insides seize.

‘I’m so sorry, D.’ Her fingers clawed into the fabric of my tee, bunching it in her fists. ‘I froze you out. I couldn’t handle the pain. Seeing her eyes in you, I couldn’t do it.’

‘I know, Mama. I know.’

My voice cracked as my grief also spilled over.

I buried my hand in her lustrous hair and stroked it.

‘I ruined things too. I was spinning out, and I lashed out at you,’ I rumbled. ‘I had no idea how to deal with how much suffering you were in. I didn’t even know how to sit still with you, to be beside you.’

She pulled back a fraction, her red-rimmed eyes searching my face in the dim light.

‘The loss shattered me into a million pieces. I felt so helpless, so furious that I couldn’t bring her back. Do you remember how we stayed with her for two whole days in that hospital room? Until the nurses told us we had to say goodbye?’

I nodded, the memory ripping through me.

‘I was so angry, devastated, and lost,’ Ana whispered. ‘I couldn’t believe I’d ever survive the pain. For months, I lay in bed, praying I wouldn’t wake up. I was like I failed her. Like I let you down. That’s why I pulled away.’