Page 177 of Deacon

‘And?’ she whispered.

‘I’m so sorry, malkia. I should have trusted you from the get-go.’

Her body trembled as she reached for the railing.

I strode across the bridge in three massive steps and tried to pull her into my arms.

She flinched, raised a hand to stop me.

I obeyed, running my hand over my head and the back of my neck in frustration.

‘I’m so sorry, Ana,’ I grated. ‘I’m so fuckin’ ashamed. I’m a total idiot for not listening to you.’

‘Yes, you were a total shit to me, Deacon!’ she muttered. ‘You put me through hell! You didn’t let me explain, and you hinted I was a liar about what happened at The Gwen!’

‘I’m so sorry,’ I repeated, my heart breaking.

‘I thought we were done with this toxic bullshit,’ she added as her chest heaved. ‘I thought we were finally past icing each other out the second things got hard! You did to me exactly what I did to you years ago! Were you punishing me for the past? Because what the holy freeze-out was that?’

Her hands balled into fists at her sides, her whole body shaking with emotion.

‘You didn’t even give me the grace of a single second to unpack what happened before you pushed me away and walked out.’

‘I was wrong, and I’m so sorry,’ I managed, remorse overwhelming me. ‘I didn’t believe you. It was wrong of me to shut you out. I feel guilty for not letting you talk to me. I was just terrified, Ana. I love you so much.’

Ana shook her head.

‘Love’s not enough, Deacon,’ she murmured. ‘We need to stay committed, and we can’t do this ever again. We need therapy to rewire how we communicate, to unlearn our defenses and build real trust. Raff can’t survive another of our explosive meltdowns, and he shouldn’t have to. We need to step up and do some real adulting. We both need to freakin’ grow up.’

I pursed my lips and nodded, accepting every ounce of truth in her words.

‘I agree,’ I murmured. ‘But we’ll still make mistakes, beautiful. We aren’t perfect. Can we agree to forgive each other over and over again, because that’s what true commitment means? At the same time, let’s learn from the experts how to get this shit right and put it into practice.’

She stared at me, her eyes searching my face, before she stepped forward.

‘As long as we stay together while we work our shit out,’ she murmured.

I took her in my arms, and she buried her face in my tee.

‘Never apart ever again,’ I whispered into her hair. ‘It killed me, too, trust me. Please forgive me?’

She gave a soft sob, her hands gripping me with fierce strength.

‘I adore you, Deacon, so, so much. You’re forgiven.’

I pulled back enough to cup her face and wipe the dampness from her cheeks with my thumbs.

‘Really? Because I deserve no less than your eternal wrath.’

‘Hey, stop,’ she whispered, placing her palms over mine. ‘I mean it, Deacon. You’re all good. We’re OK.’

I held her close for a long time.

We finally stepped back and walked toward a weathered cedar bench near the water’s edge.

We sat down, arms around each other, as the creek ran past us.

Ana wiped her face with the back of her hand and turned to face me.