Page 45 of Hushed

He looks puzzled and grabs a pen. “I’m sorry, what’s the Milledge theory? Is it like a military thing? How do you spell it?”

“You don’t spell it. I made it up. That’s not the point.” I look at the floor. “I was always supposed to be a fling for you. It’s not like you’re ever going to be able to introduce me to your fancy smart friends. Anyway, with you moving all this way, I really understand why you’d want to cut bait.”

“Levi, I’m not sure what cutting bait means, but you’re…” He stops and looks over my shoulder to the open door. Then he leans over and drops his voice. “You’re not my inferior, Levi. You never were, and you never will be.”

I can’t help it. I get choked up. I need a full ten seconds to make the lump in my throat dissolve. “I have so many questions. Like, was it hard to get a PhD? Or what did you study? Or have you read all of these books? Or…” Do you love me? I swallow that one down. “Or what happens between us now.”

“I’m your professor,” he says. “I have institutional power over you.”

“Really?” I shoot back. “Back in that classroom, how much power did you have over me?”

“More than you think. I control access to grades, opportunities, recommendations.”

“But you can’t control how I feel about you.”

He’s silent. He looks at the door desperately, then looks back at me.

“If you never had any feelings for me, you can tell me. I’m a big boy. I won’t make a big scene about it.”

Bastien looks so satisfyingly appalled that I get a burst of joy. He takes a second to recover. “Levi, please. Let this go. For both our sakes.” He glances at the open door. “Drop-add closes Friday. There are other sections. If it’s closed, I can put in a word with the other instructor to let you in.”

“I can’t. It’s the same hour as the poli-sci class I have to take this term, and that one’s a chain. American politics next term, then international, then sectional. They go in order.” I shrug. “So the chain binds me to you.” I try not to let my bitterness show.

“I see.” He folds his hands again. “How can I make this as painless as possible for you, Levi?”

“I think you know exactly how.” It’s out before I’ve processed how much fucking venom would go into it.

Bastien recoils. His eyes widen and his jaw slackens. He stares at me as if he can’t work out what to say.

I force myself to calm down. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t know how to act around you. I’m still…angry.”

He looks away. “I deserve that.”

“I don’t want to be angry with you. I want you to say you’re sorry so we can move on.”

“I am sorry,” Bastien says. “But we cannot move on.”

“Is that what you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. I have rules that bind me. You don’t understand what I’m against or how many people this can affect. Not just in this school, but in the wider world.”

I take a deep breath. “I’m going to lay it out now, even if it’s probably not the brightest thing I could do.”

“Levi, please—”

I shake my head. “I caught feelings for you. A lot of them. Hard. I didn’t know you were the kind of man I wanted, until I met you. And then I did, and I can’t shake you out of my head.”

He swallows. He looks pained rather than happy, and that’s all the signal I need.

I stand up so quickly it makes me dizzy, but I mask it by grabbing my bookbag. “I probably shouldn’t have said that, but there are my cards on the table. If you want to pick up those cards, they’re yours to take.” I can’t help it. My voice trembles.

“Levi, you have to understand—” he starts.

“I do. I really do.” I walk to the door. Just before I leave, I turn back around. “I do have to ask this one question, though, and I want you to answer me honestly.”

He stands up, as if he’s about to walk out from behind his desk. “If I can.”

I study him. “Do you sometimes wish that you were free to choose differently?”