Page 34 of Hushed

His concern is making it worse. I’m tempted to turn off the video.

“I just did something terrible to someone who didn’t deserve it,” I manage, and then I hiccough. “I had to sign this confidentiality agreement, so I can’t tell you about the hearing, except that it was bad. And I didn’t tell him about Robby because it hurt too much and…”

“Okay, so this is about a boy.” He sighs. “What did you do?”

“I think I…” I swallow. “You can’t fall in love in three days, right? People don’t do that? It’s every red flag, right?”

“It depends. Did you fall in love with him?”

“No, of course not!”

“Uh-oh.”

“What was the uh-oh? What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” he says, and then apparently thinks better of it. “Well, maybe something. That was the same tone and the same look on your face you used when I asked you about that Reeve boy.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong with him!” I insist, leaning toward the phone.

“There is nothing wrong if you fell in love with him!” Michel says.

“Who? Robby or Levi?”

“Oh, so that’s the name.”

“It’s my fault,” I say. “I keep thinking about it. I had to have known how he felt about me. I could have…I could have told him that I couldn’t conduct the interviews. I could have told him that I was concerned about transference. I could have taken steps that would have protected him. And I didn’t. Why didn’t I?”

Michel sighs. “Maybe because deep down, you wanted him to love you back, and you couldn’t help yourself. You looked into his eyes a beat too long, you pushed your hair back. Or maybe…and just think about this…maybe you’re not to blame. Did he ever tell you that he loved you?”

“Robby or Levi?”

“We’ll talk about Levi later.”

“No.”

“And did he try to kiss or to seduce you?”

“Light flirting, I guess. I told him to stop and he stopped.”

“And based on this incontrovertible proof that you do not have, you have determined that he was desperately in love with you?”

I take a deep breath. “Wow. You’re really a killer for the old self-esteem.”

“Self-esteem is for rich people. I have beer and a younger brother who’s a pain in the ass.”

“I had to tell this really great guy that I couldn’t see him because he was the same kind of profile as Robby and they told me that they thought I was seducing vulnerable young men.”

“Fuck them,” Michel says. “They don’t have the right to tell you how you can live your life.”

I huff, but I feel so tired. “Maybe not, but they can determine whether or not I can keep doing the research I love.”

“Does it love you back?” Michel asks.

I don’t know how to answer that. I stare at the phone. And then, I swallow. “Am I…” I hesitate, bite my lip, and look at the ceiling. My vision swims with tears I’m afraid to shed. “Am I lovable? Even if I do bad things?” I can’t look at him, so I just stare at the wall ahead of me. “Maybe this was…it. This was my last chance. And I threw it away. I was cruel, Michel. I can’t forgive myself for it. I just keep thinking. I want him here. I want to ask him to forgive me. And I can’t. I can’t have him and I can’t have his forgiveness. I don’t know what to do.”

When I look down at the phone, my brother isn’t smiling. “You must bear it, Sébastien,” he says softly. “You have no other choice.”

Chapter twelve