Page 30 of Hushed

He blinks and recoils, like he’s not sure he heard me correctly. “Do what now?”

“The hotel room is paid up through tomorrow, but I need to attend to some urgent business at home. I’m really sorry. Thank you for making this experience unforgettable. But I have to leave now.”

Levi’s jaw drops. For a few seconds he visibly sputters. Then he pulls himself together. “Okay. I’ll drive you to the hotel and—”

“That won’t be necessary,” I interrupt.

He takes a deep breath through his mouth and stares at me as what I’m trying to say sinks in.

“No,” he says. And then a few seconds later, it comes back. “No!” This time it’s so strong that the person at the next booth looks up. “No, this is not okay. Is something wrong? Did I do something?”

“No, not at all. I just…there are some reasons that we can’t work out. Some things that I can’t—”

His blue eyes are starting to glisten. “That I was in the Army,” he says.

I take a deep breath. “There are things I can’t legally discuss—”

“It was that Robby, wasn’t it? The one you were in love with. He was Army, wasn’t he?”

I catch my breath, scrambling to find the truest thing I can say. “I was not in love with Robert Reeve.”

Levi’s face contorts in anger. “You can’t even look me in the eye when you say his name. That’s it. You loved him and something bad happened. He’s dead, isn’t he?”

I shake my head. “I can’t discuss this.”

“So you would rather build a memorial to the soldier you can’t forgive yourself for not going after than be with the soldier who loves you.”

I don’t know what to say to that. It’s incomprehensible. I’m almost sure I’ve misheard him say that. He can’t possibly love me. And because I don’t know what to do, I retreat to the starchiest register I have on tap. “We all knew I had to leave. You were going back to Tennessee, I was going to my job.”

“Fuck Tennessee. I would follow you to the ends of the earth. All you ever had to do was ask me.”

I’m silent. My heart is breaking and I’m afraid, because if I open my mouth right now, I’m going to collapse and ask him to come with me. I feel the air coming into my lungs. I can’t stop myself.

“But you’re never going to do that, are you? For the same reason you couldn’t ask him to love you. You’ve probably got a whole shelf of us in your head. Men who fell in love with you, but you were too much of a coward to reach out and take what was always yours for the asking.”

My words freeze in my chest. I breathe out in silence.

“I’m sorry,” I offer when I can.

He rests his hand on his chin with his fingers curled over his mouth. He turns away to stare at his motorcycle. He closes his eyes and the tears come down his cheeks. “Fuck you,” he growls at me. Then he opens his eyes and stares me down. “Fuck. You.”

I make my voice as gentle as I can. “I can take the Metro. Would you mind giving me about an hour to empty my things out of the hotel room?”

He snatches the panda cap off his head and thrusts it at me. “Take this with you. I don’t want it.”

“You will recover from this.”

Levi puts his knuckles onto his forehead and closes his eyes. “Don’t do this,” he says. Every word sounds like agony. The tears are unrestrained.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” I say. I swallow hard, because this feels like treason. “I know you might feel like you’ve caught feelings for me right now, but it’s statistically—”

“Fuck you,” he repeats.

I don’t have anything to say to that, so I make myself give what’s probably the saddest smile I’ve ever given and stand up. He grabs my hand as I pass. “I might never see it,” he starts. “But someday, I hope…” He peters out and looks at me for a few ragged breaths. “I hope you regret this for the rest of your life.”

“Take care of yourself, Levi,” I say.

I gently pull my hand out of his for the last time and leave him in the booth, ignoring the stares of the other patrons.