Page 76 of Under Water

When he doesn’t clarify further, I pull away from him and grunt. “No? I’m not?”

“Easton. You told me when we first…you know. At the station.”

I furrow my brows. Did I tell him that? Maybe I was trying to save face, but I think I would remember saying I was in love with someone else. Because that would have been a flat-out lie, and I have been doing my best not to be dishonest.

“You told me you have a crush. The guy who made you want to come out of the closet,” he says. “I mean, I understood this was kind of a consolation fucking, but⁠—”

“Oh my god,” I blurt. “You’re a dumbass. Like a genuine, actual dumbass.”

He goes tense all over. “Really.”

“I was talking about you! God, I…okay. This is on me. I really suck at communication. You can ask anyone I have ever known, and they’ll tell you. I should have been more clear.”

I feel panic skating up my spine because I thought he knew I liked him. I knew this was just a quick fling for him, but I assumed he was aware that he was the one who made me take that first step into acknowledging myself.

“I should have spelled it out,” I finally go on. “I didn’t even think about it when you started touching me. And I guess I figured since everyone else knew you were the guy I had a giant, universe-sized crush on, you figured it out too.”

He looks stunned, then glances away. “I didn’t know. I assumed it had to be anyone else.”

Taking his chin, I turn his face back so he’s looking at me. “Well, it isn’t. There’s no one else.”

Rune swallows heavily, and then he traces a line over my Adam’s apple with the tips of his fingers. I swallow against it. “It shouldn’t be me.”

Not what I was expecting him to say, and it takes me a moment to recover from that.

“Give me even one good reason it shouldn’t be you,” I challenge, but I quickly realize that was a mistake. Knowing Rune, he probably has a whole shopping list of shit he hates about himself all cued up and ready to go. “Wait.”

He huffs.

“You’re going to say a bunch of crap people have convinced you is true about yourself, and I don’t want to hear it. Not tonight.”

“Another time, then?” he asks wryly.

I lean forward and nip at his jaw. “No, because it’s all bullshit. But if you insist on trying to convince me otherwise, I want to be inside you, so each one you list, I can fuck that belief right out of you.”

“Christ,” he gasps, then turns his head and kisses me so hard my toes curl. “We can visit that idea later.”

“Okay, but maybe we should talk about if this means⁠—”

“Let’s talk tomorrow,” he interrupts. And it stings. Like he’s trying to avoid committing to anything, though I know that’s not fair. He takes a deep breath, and I think he’s about to tell me to go to sleep or to let it go. Instead, he curls his hand around the back of my neck and holds me. “For the record, my giant, universe-sized crush was on you too.”

“Oh. Well. Good,” I manage to get out through the almost numbing tingles that erupt across my face.

He laughs, then bows his head until his nose rests in the crook of my neck, and as the seconds tick by, turning into minutes, his breathing evens out, and I can feel it when he finally drifts to sleep.

I’m always up right at dawn, no matter what season it is or how bad my sleep was. And I didn’t sleep great with Rune in my bed. I’ve had partners who spent the night, but it never felt as domestic as this.

I sure as shit never had any of their kids sleeping in my second bedroom.

That was heavy on my shoulders, and I didn’t really get any REM. But I don’t feel too terrible as I creep out of the bed, leaving Rune on his back with his mouth open and arm flung up over his head.

He looks a lot like Elio did when I peeked in on him last night.

And speaking of…

I throw a sweater on and then a pair of jogging pants before tiptoeing down the hallway, and I peer into Elio’s room to see him staring at me with wide eyes. He’s pulled his BiPAP off his nose, and it’s resting beside his head.

“You’re up.”