Page 77 of Mindeater

He might try to shrug it off like it’s no big deal, but I remember. How even in his deepest sleep, he’d shake and cry out if the room fell dark. Like his subconscious was trying to trick him into believing he was back in those mines. Once the flames rise up and dance, I fall back on my ass.

I didn’t mean to lose control like that.

I didn’t mean to kill her.

Not that it matters. She’s dead, and Ryx watched me do it. I wish he hadn’t. As if things weren’t bad enough, he’ll never trust me now. The chances were already slim to begin with. Rubbing my filthy hands over my face, I think. And I think some more. He said to go, yet here I am, glued to his side because even after all this time, I can’t stand the thought of not being with him.

Too much has happened for me to actually dissect my feelings.

In the quiet, setting sun, I can do that.

Years I spent wishing for him. Years I spent keeping all of our memories safe and tucked behind my heart, the place Matthias could never reach. Some people might say I only have this ridiculous affection for him because he was all I had as a child. That’s just not true.

If it were, I would have killed him already. Ryx is Other. He’s my mortal fucking enemy. Every single thing I’ve been taught and seen shows that leaving him alive is the stupidest decision ever. But I can’t fathom a world without him. When I thought he died- and that’s why he never came back to save me- I barely survived. The only reason I didn’t give up and take my own life is that deep down, on some untouched primal level, I never quite believed it.

I knew he was out there…somewhere.

I think it made it worse.

Knowing he was somewhere without me.

Glancing over at his unconscious form, I suck in a sharp breath as endless flutters dance in my stomach. Even dirty, he’s so beautiful to me. Even cruel and murderous, he’s…so perfect. From those dark lashes kissing the tops of his sharp cheeks, down to the point of his chin. I wish I could tell him that. I wish he’d accept it—me. Hesitantly, I reach out and brush a few strands away from his face. I don’t actually touch his skin, but the buzz is there all the same.

His broad chest rises and falls with each breath as his scent fills my nose. I inch closer. My eyes snag on his lips, slightly parted and a bit chapped. They’re not full like mine, but just right. The perfect blend of soft and firm. I wonder if they still taste like my tears. If they’ve absorbed into his flesh, leaving invisible scars.

“How could you forget me?” I ask his sleeping form. “Better yet, how come you only remember the bad parts?”

I heave a sigh, knowing this might be the only time I can say these things. Have him know without acknowledging it. Maybe my words will find him in his dreams, and bring back the version of him that used to exist.

Wetting my lips, I steel myself and hope he stays asleep because I can’t resist anymore. I brush my knuckles over his cheek. The static and void send tiny jolts up my arm. It hurts, but not enough to deter me. “I still love you,” I whisper. “Even if you’ll never know it or believe it. I never stopped loving you, praying for you, wishing you’d come home to me.”

I lean over him, scanning every inch of his face. “I’m going to save you, Ryx.” My lips brush over his forehead. Not quite a kiss, but the most I can suffer through.

A real kiss might kill me.

***

The sound of feet jerks me awake. It’s dark now, the fire still going strong, but the hairs on the back of my neck rise.

Telex.

Humans.

Three people.

I scramble to my feet, making sure to guard Ryx and find them. They’re too fucking close. My instinct is to kill them before they get to us, but after what I did to that woman, whose body is still wrapped up by the tent, I hesitate. The way Ryx reacted to what I had done…I don’t want to risk furthering his beliefs about me. That I’m some mindless monster who can’t control itself. Jaw clenching, I push my mastery into the Telex.

The recoil is instant. A push so strong I almost fall over.

What the hell?

I know it isn’t Matthias, but fear strikes in my chest all the same. Fight or flight takes over. I dive for Ryx’s bag, dumping it out and finding his gun. I’ve seen Avis work them plenty of times, so I know to cock the hammer and aim. They’re coming from the north. Clenching my fist tightly around the grip, I test the humans. The same recoil smacks me like a boulder to the skull.

“Fuck,” I groan, nearly dropping the gun.

Footfalls grow louder, leaves and dirt crunching. A flicker of lantern light spears through the dense trees. I swallow hard.

“Who’s there?” I call, ready to lash out.