Page 103 of Badd B*tch

"I don't know what Lemoore is."

"Giant-ass jet base in the middle of nowhere in California. It's hot, there's nowhere to go even when you do get a weekend pass, the air sucks, and it's near a bunch of farms or whatever, so it literally smells like shit. It's awful. Getting stationed at Lemoore is generally considered a punishment. You're not technically supposed to give a sailor a shitty post as punishment, but there's a big gap between supposed to and is."

"Ah."

She inhaled, let it out. Pivoted on her butt to sit between my outstretched legs, and then pulled mine over her hips so we were sitting how you do when you and a friend are sharing a swing at the playground. "Jax, I…"

I held her eyes. "I didn't mean to trigger you, honey. I…I thought it might help, I guess." My chest was tight and my stomach hurt, thinking I'd caused her to cry. "I just wanted to help."

She dissolved into tears, collapsing forward against my chest, face in her hands. "No, Jax. No, baby, no. You did." She looked up at me with tear-stained eyes. "That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me." She wiped at her face. "This is…I’m overwhelmed. It’s not sadness. Well, it is sadness, but you—" she laughed, tipped her head back and shook it to make the braid dance at the back of her neck. "You braiding my hair for me, Jax…"

I cupped her jaw, and my thumb came to rest on her pulse, which was racing crazy fast. "Hey, just—"

She shook her head again, fingers pressing onto my lips. "Just…listen. I need to say this. Before I lose my nerve."

"You can say anything."

"I love you, Jax. It's crazy. I didn't think I believed in love at first sight or insta-love or whatever this is with us. I…I didn't think I was even capable of love until Luke, and then I lost him. I promise, I’ll stop bringing him up all the time. I will, I swear, I just—”

"No, don't. It's important. Talk about him. Bring him up. He's part of you, honey."

She nodded, but she was crying harder now. "God, you're amazing. I just…I didn't think I knew how to love. I thought that I was missing that…piece. Whatever it is that means you know how to love someone romantically. I love my sister; I'd fucking kill and die for her. But loving a man? I didn't think that would happen. Then Luke…I flew his crew of badasses, reprobates, and lunatics one time, and I couldn't think of anyone else but him and his stupid eyes and stupid jaw for weeks after that. And then we were together, and I got a taste of love. And then he died, and I lost that too, and I didn't…I never thought I'd be able to have that again. I thought it had died with him. And now there's you, and…I fucking love you so goddamn much it's crazy, because we just met and I barely fucking know you, but I also know you so completely that it makes no sense because we just met, and I don't know how to do this. I'm trying to let you in. I'm trying to not be a Super Cunt all the time."

"Um?" I tapped her nose. "Don't like that word, at the fuck all."

She burst into tearful laughter. "Me either. It's Tania. When I get worried about someone, she says I turn into Super Cunt, as in an alternate identity, like that Snickers commercial: ‘you’re not you when you’re hungry.’ That's what happened back there in the woods. When I freaked out on you."

"Well, that's nonsense. I'll have to have a word with her about how she's not allowed to call the woman I love a cuh—nope.” I shook my head. “See? Can’t even say it."

She scooted closer, hands framing my face. "I don't know how to do this, Jax. How to be this. How to be a civilian. How to be a girlfriend. How to be both at the same time. But I want to be. I want to be with you. I want to…" She looked at the space in the bed beside us. "Just sleep with you. Wake up with you. I want to be all over you in public. I want to ride your dick until you beg for a night off."

"Well, for starters, that'll never happen." I swept a thumb across her lips. "I want all of that, too. And more."

"More?" Her voice was soggy with tears.

"Fights about stupid shit. Makeup sex. Vacations. Family get-togethers with my giant crazy family that you'll fit right in with."

"I will?" she asked.

"Oh god, yes. Absolutely. My parents are already scouting apartments in the area for us."

She frowned. "But—"

"I know, trust me.” I sighed and laughed. "It's just how they are."

She slid closer to me until her core was snug against my thighs, her legs draped over my hips, and her head under my chin. "Is it okay if we don't…if I'm not ready for—"

"I already said so, honey. Am I half-crazed with wanting you? No fucking doubt. But somehow, I hurt worse now than I did before we got picked up. From all the stitches, I guess. But also I…part of me is—I'm kinda feeling—"

She tilted her head up and nuzzled the underside of my jaw. "Your turn to say it all."

"Kinda fucked up. About…everything. The crash. The bear. Us."

"Let's start with us."

I twitched a shoulder in an approximation of a shrug. "I dunno. Just doubts, I guess. Like, why me? You could have anyone. A guy like Luke, y'know? A badass. Someone who gets that world in a way I never can or will. Is it just the shared trauma of what we went through? Am I overthinking this? I know how I feel about you, and it kinda scares me in a way because it’s…bigger…than how I felt about Emerson. So what does that mean? That my feelings for her weren't real? Just childish infatuation driven by hormones and constant proximity? Or was it just some fucked up version of wanting what you can't have? So then you tell me you're in love with me and part of me is just like…you sure about that?"

She palmed my cheek and tilted my face down, extended up to meet my mouth for a soft, slow, tender kiss. "Yes, Jax, I'm sure. But I understand how your feelings for me seem bigger than what you felt for Emerson. I really, really get that. Because I know I loved Luke. It's become clear to me since he died, and it kinda fucks with me that I’ve only really been able to understand that after he's gone. Like, what even is that? How could I have really loved him if I didn't even know it while he was alive? What does that mean—what does that say about me?"