Page 25 of Off the Edge

“Do you want to shop?” I asked.

His face lit up. “I love shopping.”

I took him to Sapporo’s shopping arcade. An enormous underground network of pedestrian areas for shopping, eating, and art. He bought too many postcards. “Not to send, to keep,” he said. We ate pastries, which he marveled at, saying they were too pretty to eat, then ate them anyway.

We walked, and he talked about his time at school, when he’d been directionless and lost, with no help, just blame, and how it had taught him that big dreams were for other people. I’d bought him a blue Sapporo beanie hat after that, because I’d wanted his smile back and the stories about his past had taken it for a while.

We tried silly sweets. He bought me a small Ezo flying squirrel plushie toy and stuffed it into my coat pocket without asking.

Time lost all meaning, shopping and eating and talking, until the whole day was gone and we emerged into evening light.

“Alright, now what?” Cam said. We stood on a street corner. Traffic and people bustled around us. The streetlights and store lights sparkled in his eyes. A day on his feet, and he wasn’t at all exhausted.

“You don’t want to go back?” I asked.

“Nah. Do you?”

“No.” I didn’t want the day to ever end.

We took the Mount Moiwa Ropeway. A cable car that climbed to an observatory with a view over the city. We didn’t talk much, just watched the city shrink beneath us, turning into millions of lights sparkling like glitter. At the top, tourists wandered between the windows with their cameras pressed against the glass.

We stood shoulder to shoulder, looking down over the sparkling city. I glanced at him a few times, admiring how the low light caught in the messy waves of his hair. I’d thought him the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and that hadn’t changed. More beautiful than the view he stared at.

He noticed me looking, and the smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

“When I was smaller,” I said, clearing my throat. “My father would bring me here after practice. He said it made our problems seem smaller from up here.”

“Did it?”

“No, but I liked the view.”

I liked the view a lot more that evening, with him.

We stayed there awhile, quietly absorbing the day. I had my flying squirrel plushie in my pocket, and he wore the blue Sapporo beanie. Somehow, I’d gone from wanting to find escape at the bottom of a bottle to having one of the most amazing days of my life. And it was all because of Camden.

He caught me looking again, but I didn’t look away this time. His gaze stayed. His eyebrows lifted, asking a silent question. I don’t know what my face said, or what he saw in my eyes, but whatever it was, it brought a kiss of color to his cheeks. Had we been alone, and not surrounded by tourists in conservative Japan, I’d have kissed him in that moment.

He dipped his chin, breaking the spell.

I’d thought, perhaps, time apart would weaken whatever we’d had during the run-up to the Meridian. Perhaps even snuff it out altogether. That I could lie to myself and say it meant nothing. But time apart had not weakened anything. I wanted him more now than I had then. And this time I gave myself permission to know it. To feel it. Not as a mistake, but as part of who I was.

I wanted more days like this. Together. “Thank you for today.”

“No worries. We both probably needed it. I guess we should go back before they send out search parties.”

“Yes.” I sighed. Of course I wanted to go back. We were here to win for our teams. The culmination of a lifetime of training. But I wanted to stay right there, next to him, all night if we could. “Five more minutes.”

He leaned against my side, and the familiarity of his touch, even through our clothes, had my heart racing. “Yeah, okay.”

His warmth and company were more than welcome. It felt right. How was I ever going to go back to a life without them? Without him?

TEN

CAMDEN

The ride in the cab back to the Olympic Village was a ticking clock, a countdown to being apart again, and my heart rate quickened with every mile. I teased the beanie Ren had bought me between my fingers where I held it in my lap.

Last night I’d thought we were done. I’d been ready, mostly, to let go. Then Dylan had called, and Ren had been a mess, and I’d still figured he’d drop me like a stone once he was sober. But today . . . I didn’t know what to do with today. Was it just two guys hanging out, enjoying Sapporo because we were stuck together, or had it been something more? It had felt like more, but was that just because I so badly wanted it to be?