Page 112 of Kill Me Again: Psychics

The words were simple, but true. I slept more than a couple of hours at a time. I got my calories from food instead of alcohol. I didn’t pick up and discard men like they were clothes that never fit right. Meeting Lake had changed everything.

Cade didn’t speak until we were sitting on either side of his desk. “How are you?”

I noticed for the first time how perpetually exhausted he always looked. I also recognized that the signs had always been there: eyes that took a millisecond too long to focus, shoulders always an inch too high, a faint crease between the brows that never went away, and movements that took more conscious thought than they should. I noticed it because it wasn’t that long since I’d lived it.

“I’m…” It still took practice not to trot out the standard phrase of being fine. “I’m getting there.”

“You look better.” His gaze dropped. “Well, apart from the sling.”

“I feel better… apart from the sling.”

He leaned back in his chair. “I understand you visited the prison this morning.”

“Asher’s got a big mouth.”

Cade laughed. “Asher wanted me to know that you might have had a somewhat trying morning. Was it trying?”

“It was okay.”

Cade nodded, looking like he wanted to say more, but wasn’t sure he should.

“Anyway,” I said, “you didn’t invite me here to talk about prison visits.”

“I didn’t,” Cade agreed. “I wanted to talk about your suspension.”

“With a view to making it more permanent, or to ending it early?” I didn’t read his mind. In this scenario, it would feel like cheating.

He steepled his fingers together. “What do you want, Baxter? And don’t give me any bullshit. The man sitting in front of me today is one I’ve never met before. You were playing a part before and playing it well.”

“I want…” I sat back in my chair, my brow creasing as I considered the question. “I want to be happy.”

“And what will make you happy?”

“Lake,” I said without hesitation. “It’s a cliché to say that the love of a good man changes everything, but it really does.”

“And where does the PPB figure in that?”

It felt like we were dancing around each other, with neither willing to commit to what they really wanted to say. I took Cade’s advice to drop all the bullshit. “I know how badly I fucked up,” I admitted. “If I look back now, I can see that I was a powder keg waiting to blow. I didn’t care about the job. I needed people around me, but at the same time, I wanted to be left alone. You were right to suspend me.”

“I know I was. But that doesn’t answer my question.”

“I like it here,” I said. “It feels like…” I laughed at the word I was about to use, recognizing the cheesiness of it. “It feels like home. Calisto’s here. Asher’s here. I spent the last few years here, even though no one but Calisto knew it. I like Leo and Silas. I like Kendrick, even if he takes brooding to a new level. So…” I swallowed my pride and put it all on the line. “I’d like my job back if possible, but I’ll also understand if you’re not prepared to give me a second chance.”

“I already gave you a second chance when I suspended you instead of firing you.”

“You did, but Asher heavily influenced that decision.”

A muscle ticked in Cade’s cheek. “This is my business, not his.”

“It is,” I agreed. “But you’d find it incredibly difficult to manage without him. And as we both know, Mr. Moneybags could leave any time he wants to.”

“Mr. Moneybags.” Cade’s lips twitched. “That’s a new one.”

“John wouldn’t approve. It has no link to ice.”

“Probably not.”

“So…?” I asked, leaving the rest of the question hanging.