Page 92 of In Too Deep

“I will. I just… I don’t know how to yet.” Harrison felt the disappointment move through Jake, so he stroked through his hair, trying to soothe. Settle. Make him understand. “There’s a lot there. And selfishly, I think part of me wants this to stay easy for a little while longer. Wants you to be somewhere I don’t have to think about all of it.”

“But it’s not easy, is it? And you do think about him.” Jake met his gaze head-on. “Even when you are here with me.”

“Jake—”

“You said his name.”

There it was. Final and wounded.

Harrison swallowed. “That was unfair. And fucking awful. I know it was. But Nigella’s call brought a lot back up yesterday. Then I fell asleep half dead outside your door and you came home, kissed me, started trying to coax me into bed…” He rubbed tiredly at his forehead. “I was barely fucking conscious. For a few seconds, my brain went somewhere it hasn’t been allowed to go in years.”

“Because you wanted me to be him.”

“No.” The answer came fast enough to surprise even him. “I don’t want you to be anyone except you, Jake bloody Whitton.” He held Jake’s gaze despite how exposed it made him feel. “And that’s part of the problem.”

Jake frowned. “I’m a problem?”

Harrison let out a slow breath. Vulnerability always felt brutal somehow. As if he were stripping himself down to nerve endings and expecting not to bleed for it.

“Yes. Because I like you, Jake. Really quite like you. And I know none of this is particularly fair on you. Me trying to work out how to do this while I’m still dealing with everything else.”

Jake drew a breath, as if contemplating that. Then he nodded. “Alright, look. I get it. I get that he mattered. Still matters. I know you can’t just mute someone because they’re gone.”

“I don’t want him to hurt you.”

“Aye, well.” Jake was quiet for a moment, tapping his thumb absently against Harrison’s hip. “Suppose I’ll have to learn the rhythm of it, then.”

“The rhythm?”

“Aye. You. This. Him still being there sometimes.” Jake shrugged, suddenly looking faintly uncomfortable with his own words. “It’s a bit like drumming.”

“Drumming?”

“Aye.” Jake’s brow creased as he tried to work out how the hell to explain it. “When you’re playing with someone, you listen to what’s already there. Don’t just hammer over the top of it. You find where your own beat fits.”

Harrison’s chest tightened.

“Fuck knows.” Jake winced. “Sounded better in my head.”

“No.” Harrison stroked his thumb slowly along Jake’s side. “I think I understand.”

“Good. ’Cause I’m not explaining it again. Don’t mean I won’t get jealous, mind.”

“That goes both ways.”

Jake’s eyebrows lifted. “Oh, yeah?”

“I’m jealous of anyone who could offer you something considerably less complicated than me.”

Jake considered that for all of two seconds. “Maybe I like complicated.”

“You deserve easy.”

“Maybe I get to decide what I deserve.” Jake slid one leg between Harrison’s. “And right now, I want this.”

“This?”

“You.”