Page 48 of Epidermis

Konrad opened the door, stared at him with an indecipherable expression for just a moment, then stepped back to let him in. “Good evening.”

He reached for Jasper’s cardigan, and Jasper begrudgingly let him take it. So much for comfort. He knew he could have kept it, but he’d told Konrad he would cook with him, so he’d have to take it off then anyway. Jasper eyed Konrad’s rolled-up sleeves and white apron. “Start without me?” he joked.

“Not at all. I was preparing.” Konrad sounded so serious, and Jasper tried not to smile at the palpable enthusiasm. He followed Konrad to the kitchen, where ingredients were laid out across the island, and a square of black fabric waited on the edge closest to them as they walked in. Konrad picked it up and it unfolded into a black apron. “For you. I didn’t think you would care for a white one.”

“That’s… Thank you,” Jasper said softly.

He tied it around his waist while Konrad poured two glasses of wine. Konrad gave him one, and Jasper downed it. Konrad refilled it without comment. Jasper was tempted to treat their plan of cooking dinner together the same way he’d been treating their phone calls: something separate from the mess he’d made that he still had to clean up. He could use it to stall, and then have what was going to inevitably be a difficult conversation after dinner. No need to spoil the meal with heavy topics.

But he’d put this off long enough. Konrad turned away to grab a knife from the block, but Jasper stopped him with a hand on his forearm. “Konrad.” He let his hand drop once Konrad faced him again. “We have to talk about what happened in Vegas.”

“I thought you wished to close that particular chapter of our time together.”

The ghost of hurt and longing haunted his words, and Jasper swallowed, finding his throat tight. “I thought I did too.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, forcing himself to look at Konrad even as he wanted to avert his eyes somewhere safer. “I’m sorry.”

“You do not owe me an apology for taking what I offered to you myself.”

“I didn’t mean it. I knew I didn’t mean it when I said it.”

Konrad’s lips parted, and Jasper gently pressed his fingers to them in an unspoken plea for silence. He had to get through all of this before his nerves turned the words to ash in his mouth. “When I agreed to let the weekend run its course and see what happened, I thought it was just going to be sex. I didn’t expect you to make me feel like you cared about me.”

Jasper still hadn’t removed his fingers. He knew if he did, Konrad would interject—probably to forgive him far too easily—and he wouldn’t be able to keep talking if he stopped now. Jasper supposed he could thank the hours they’d spent on the phone every night for putting him at ease enough to get this far.

“I liked being with you too much. Because I knew at some point you would realize you were wrong about me, that I’m not what you want, so I thought it would be better to end things before I could get any more… attached. As fucked up as it sounds, I wanted to leave you before you could leave me.”

Jasper ran his fingers lightly over Konrad’s lips, his own twisting as he tried not to let the emotion in his throat spill from his eyes. “I still think you’ll leave. And I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it, and that’s not fair to you. But I wanted you to know. I wanted you to know I’m sorry, and that it wasn’t you. It’s not you.” He smiled, a tear wobbling on his lower lashes, shaking the edge of his vision. “You’re great.”

Konrad looked down at the fingers on his mouth, and Jasper nodded, letting them fall away.

“Thank you for being honest with me, Jasper. Now allow me to be honest with you.”

Jasper gave a stilted nod.

“From the first moment I saw you, a piece of me belonged to you that I cannot and do not wish to reclaim. It will be yours regardless of whether or not you are mine. I’d give you all the rest too, if you would only let me.” Konrad took both of Jasper’s hands and brought them to his mouth. He kissed the knuckles of his tattooed hand first, then his bare one. “I understand that your fear of being abandoned is not one I created, and as such, not something I alone can alleviate. So I won’t ask you to trust that I won’t leave you if that’s not something you feel capable of yet.”

Tears fell from behind Jasper’s glasses, one down each side of his face. “Then what are you asking?”

“To prove you wrong. Believe what you must, but I will persist, until your heart grows tired of doubting me.”

“That could take a very long time,” Jasper whispered.

“I’ll wait for you.” Konrad’s hands tightened around his. “But allow me to wait at your side, Jasper.”

Jasper was overwhelmed. He shook his head, but he was fighting the self-preserving instinct to refuse outright. “Can I think about it?”

“For as long as you need. Will you still cook with me tonight?”

Jasper smiled. “I’d love to.”

fifteen

Jasper was completely out of his depth, but Konrad was patient, seeming to enjoy teaching him even at the cost of dinner not being perfect. He let Jasper harvest the herbs they needed from the herb garden that was smaller than the one at the restaurant. He showed Jasper the best way to hold the knife for chopping the parsley, standing behind him with his arms around him, his hands covering Jasper’s on the knife. Jasper didn’t think they needed to be in this position for Konrad to show him, but he wasn’t going to argue. He liked the warmth of Konrad against his back, even if it filled his mind with fantasies of Konrad bending him over the kitchen island, dinner forgotten in favor of making up for lost time.

He chopped parsley while Konrad browned the chicken. It was peaceful, quiet except for the orchestral music playing from the record player in the living room. Jasper was going to have to add a few vinyls to Konrad’s collection if he was going to keep visiting.

You haven’t decided that yet, he reminded himself.

Part of him knew that wasn’t entirely true. He knew what he wanted to say, the words were just held hostage by fear. His mind raced with a thousand ways this could end badly. His imagination was so kind to him that way. It never hesitated to supply him with the worst-case scenario.