Page 59 of At Their Mercy: Part I

He wasn’t good for me.

What a load of bullshit to throw in my face on my birthday.

“Why are you bringin’ this up today, of all days?” I asked irritably.

I put out my smoke, too annoyed to enjoy it.

“Because despite sleepin’ for nine hours, you’re still tired,” he told me. “We’re also seeing Em and Danny later—and I know you. I know how your mind works. I know what reels you in. All it takes is one juicy fuckin’ assignment with an intelligence issue they can’t solve, and you start twitchin’.”

Was he fucking serious? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You honestly think they could recruit me back? You’ve lost your goddamn marbles.”

He shrugged. “You’re bored. It wouldn’t take much.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Are you bored?” Because it was starting to sound like he was projecting. “If I remember correctly, I’m the one who dragged you away from Hillcroft after years of talkin’ about retirin’.”

He shook his head. “No. I’m never going back.”

“Neither am I!” I sat up straighter and planted my feet on the ground.

“But unlike you, I have things that genuinely entertain me,” he argued. “I’m in the middle of finalizing plans for the Murder Mystery Game, I’m on the committee for mapping out what happens after the Games, I have my job in the office that I like, and I’m in charge of Shay’s training and fighting. He has a fight comin’ up soon, in case you forgot.”

I hadn’t fucking forgotten those stupid goddamn fights.

“Congrats on your packed schedule,” I stated. “We’re not always the same, though. I’d rather lick a bench in the Metro than run around like you do.”

He sighed heavily and rested his elbows on his knees. “I know that, River. But there are limits. You can’t tell me you’re not mentally restless. You can’t tell me you’re not floundering.”

I clenched my jaw and averted my stare to the ground.

To be honest, I hadn’t really identified what was wrong with me yet. I’d been so focused on getting enough sleep and hoping my nightmares were over. Because for as much as I had been through in my life with Reese by my side, I’d never ever experienced the pain I felt every time I dreamed about Shay crying out in agony for his parents and sister. The images of that night haunted me. I could still see his tear-filled eyes, the fire from the house reflecting in them, the sheer heartbreak… He’d shattered all over that night. He’d felt guilty. He’d sobbed out his shame after failing to rescue his family.

I swallowed hard.

Shay had never failed in the first place. He’d saved the lives of his brothers. There was nothing he could have done to get his parents and sister out of there.

The fire at Mclean had given me a glimpse into the post-traumatic part of Shay’s past, and I despised it with every fiber of my being. I burned with hatred, all because he’d lived through that pain. That horror.

How could I recover from something I couldn’t forget?

It’d always been my greatest fear to lose Reese, and watching Shay that night had morphed those fears and whispered concerns into a live fucking movie. I knew what that heartbreak looked like now. And, to make things worse, now I had two people to lose.

So, with that in mind, what was so fucking wrong with boredom?

Boredom was safe.

“There’s another reason I brought this up today,” Reese admitted. “I talked to Ty yesterday at the reception.”

I reached for my smoke again, lighting it up. “Uh-huh.”

“He and Colt are talkin’ about bringing in consultants on a security project they’re developing at MadCo,” he went on. “Now, I know they work mainly with hardware there, but…with your background, I can’t help but see you bein’ a valuable asset. What if you joined their red team? It doesn’t have to be a regular thing. Just talk to them about it.”

What, so I could pen-test security doors and alarm systems?

I took a drag from my smoke and exhaled skyward.

Maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world to get involved in something. MadCo was far away from danger—and I knew wherever I ended up, I had two people who would visit. So it had to be someplace safe, ’cause we were never going through anything traumatic again, so help me fucking God.

Reese stood up and stepped closer, and he bent down and pressed his lips to my forehead.