Page 121 of Everdoll

I shouted, but he closed the distance. He was standing in front of the mansion in all his glory, confident, like one of those eerily self-assured types who will always get what they want. When he came up to me, grabbed my arm and yanked my body to himself, I looked at his face.

He was finally serious. He was finally taking me serious.

“Why are you like this? Just tell me how you really feel.”

“These are my true feelings!”

“They’re not! Stop acting.”

“You know me better than I know myself?”

He lifted his chin. “Yes. You can hide it from the whole world, but I won’t let you hide from me.”

I stopped struggling, staring at him almost mockingly, but he continued boldly. “You can try to push me away, but I won’t go. Never. So you need to get used to this. I love you, I love you more than anything, I—”

“You don’t!”

I parted my trembling lips. A small sob escaped me.

“You can’t say you love me. You can’t say that when you don’t even notice a shit! For months, for months, Raymond… No… For years! I haven’t been myself since Angelica died, and you never even saw it.”

“Angelica? Mina, that was years ago—”

“And I never got to grieve!” I shut my eyes tight, a cry tearing from my throat. “I never accepted it, I never moved on! You… fed into it. You forced me into this fake thing. You acted like I’m okay, but I’m not okay, Raymond. I’m not okay! Look at me… look at the state I’m in. You don’t ever look at me. No, you never do that.”

“Mina…”

Tears rolled down my cheeks, then falling from my chin to the ground. I swallowed hard. Staring at him was the most painful thing in the world right now. I couldn’t bear it, and cast my eyes aside.

“I’ve been bottling it up inside for months. I’ve been giving you stupid smiles, but you don’t notice… You never do. I said everything’s fine, but I began every morning crying. I was… dying. Even my new coworkers noticed something’s wrong with me, but you didn’t!” I took a deep breath, steadying myself. “No. No, Raymond. You don’t love me. You can’t even see me behind my masks.”

With the last sentence, he yanked his hand back, like he’d touched a flame. When the contact was gone, both of our arms began to hang from our bodies like dead vines. He watched my chest for a while, and I tried to look at him through my tears, misty, and I witnessed every emotion crossed his face. Protest, despair, sorrow, disappointment, anger, acceptance…

Perhaps people couldn’t survive if their heart bled, but I could swear my heart was bleeding at that moment. I had been stabbed countless times, with liters of fresh blood flowing from every wound. I couldn’t find another explanation for the pain spreading across my chest.

“Mina… I’m…”

I watched him swallow, his jawbones become sharpen, his dry lips pressed together so tightly they seemed ready to bleed. You shouldn’t be angry, you should thank me. I should be congratulated for waking up from this dream.

“It’s you who’s suffocating me.” I tried to wipe my tears. “You shouldn’t have promised me eternity. That’s why I’m like this, that’s why I’m ruined if you don’t notice my act. Everyone else can pass, but not you… If you don’t notice either…” I wanted to stop crying, I really wanted that, but it was out of my hands now.

Fool me, fool you Remi. You weren’t the only one idealizing the person in front of you. I also thought you were my savior, and I locked myself in our labyrinth. I didn’t leave any room for you to make mistakes. The gentle breaths I took in that house were so full of life I couldn’t get out of there for years. I couldn’t wake up for years.

But it was so beautiful, this deception, that letting go now hurts just as much.

I sniffed. My hand went to my neck, held up the thin necklace. His eyes were wide now.

“No. Please, Mina. No.”

I threw the chip at him, but he didn’t move to catch it. When it hit his chest and fell to the floor, I just looked down at the floor. No, someone would step on it. It shouldn’t be left there. I wanted to bend down and pick it up.

“Take it.”

I said, my tone ice cold, but he shook his head slowly, in a trance.

“I said take it.”

“No.” he wasn’t looking into my eyes, his gaze was vacant. “You can’t lie to me. You dare not. I’ll never forgive you. I’ll never forgive myself.”