Page 24 of The Lockdown Mann

I freeze for a moment. We flirt. Of course we do. We’re both queer and here on this app. We both joined thinking we would find someone to hook up with, though neither of us has done it. Though I guess I don’t know if that’s true about him. He could have fucked half the men on this app for all I know. Maybe he fucked someone tonight.

My muscles tense involuntarily, a reaction I have no business having about a man I have no claim on.

A man who just flirted with me, whom I’ve left on read because I don’t know how to respond.

A vision of Des pops into my head, because he’s cocky too, and I do my best to squash it. I don’t want to think of him. I’m enjoying talking to this man, and I don’t need to let Des infiltrate my thoughts any more than he already does.

But the truth is, he’s cocky…and I like it. That’s not something I wish were true or something I would ever admit to Desmond, but I like it.

GameOn057: Sorry. Too much? I’m feelin’ myself tonight and am honestly really fucking horny.

GameOn057: Shit. I probably shouldn’t have said that either.

Answer him.

I can do that now. I’m single. I have a right to flirt with someone, to experiment, to figure myself out. And GameOn057 is safe. Especially since I don’t know anything about who he actually is.

Me: It’s not too much…and me too.

Me: Horny, I mean.

I can’t fucking believe I told him that, but I don’t regret it. I’ve played it safe for so long. It’s exciting stepping outside of myself that way.

GameOn057: Yeah? How long has it been for you?

Shit. He just put that question out there easily, without any delay in response, like I would have.

My fingers tremble as I admit that it’s been months for me.

Me: Nine, to be exact.

GameOn057: Holy shit, man. You need to have an orgasm.

Me: I have orgasms!

Okay, I guess I’m just putting shit out there now too.

Me: Just not with anyone else. My wife and I hadn’t, and then the separation, and it just hasn’t been something that’s on my mind.

GameOn057: Until you got on the app.

He’s right. Until then, but…

Me: And look how that turned out.

GameOn057: Have an orgasm with me, sexy.

My pulse skips what feels like about ten beats. I stare at the phone a moment, studying the words as though my eyes are playing tricks on me, but nope, they still say that shit. GameOn057 is asking me to…do what, exactly?

I like talking to him.

I want to keep talking to him.

But I don’t know if I’m ready to meet him. My life is so up in the air right now, and even though I’m single, the world doesn’t know I’m single.

My family doesn’t know.

Sanaa doesn’t, and finding out will break her heart.